Our water birth

Throughout this pregnancy and probably the one with Sam also I was tempted to try a water birth.

Unfortunately with Sam the pool rooms were taken which made me want to try it more so this time around, particularly as this is our last baby (unless anything drastic changes in the next few years)!

I was so pleased that when we got to the birthing centre the second time on the 6th May that we had a room with a pool.

I couldn't believe how large the room actually was!

There was the pool, a typical hospital bed, low bed, beanbag, birthing ball and an en suite.

With my stop-start labour  (read previous posts) I actually didn't get a lot of chance to be in the pool. I think I was only in there for 30mins max and most of that time I was pushing Zachary out!

Having said that I was so much more relaxed when in the pool, beforehand I was in agony, grabbing onto James's hands and even trying to bite my arm! I even had some gas and air which I didn't have with either boys!

Once in the warm water the pain, although still there, became more bearable, I no longer used the gas and air ..but still grabbed James's hands!

I still felt the burning sensation when Zachary was making his way out, I know some people say that the pool can help with this. I do wonder if I had been able to be in the pool a little longer whether this may have helped with that.

Zachary seemed to be quite calm when he came out and it was quite nice being sat in the pool a short while before needing to get out.

You do feel slightly 'on show' in the water but I think by that point you don't really care...it's not like the midwives haven't seen it all before!

The hardest part about the water birth is probably the getting in and out! Getting in I was mid contraction and getting out helped my placenta come (due to gravity I guess) at least I didn't need the injection to speed things along, it always feels super gross to me when it comes out!

If you are thinking of a water birth I would definitely recommend it, even if only for the pain relief!

The staff and facilities we had at the white horse birthing centre, GWH were amazing too.

Our 3rd birth story

So if you haven't already you may want to read my previous post to catch up...

The midwife quickly filled up the pool for me whilst I sucked in the gas and air through the now piercing contractions.

I was a little bit out of it when James and the midwife wanted to move me across from the bed to the pool. I remember having a contraction but not being able to really talk and tell. I think the midwife thought I didn't want to get in the pool!

I took the slow walk with each arm in one of theirs over to the pool and the steps into it were hard work.

Instantly I relaxed in the water, the warm water helped so much with the pain. I no longer took any of the gas and air.

I was knelt down with my hands either Ron the pool handles on in James's hands.

I instantly got the pushing sensation and got the go ahead from midwife to do so. My waters went (something that's not happened to me naturally before) and shortly after the head was born.

I was exhausted and really felt like I didn't have it in me for the next few pushes but itstill weird how your body just takes over!

He was born at 11.35pm, making the last stage of labour only 30mins!

I was quite in shock when he was born I must admit when first holding him I was in a bit of a daze. He seemed to come so quickly!!!

He must have been eager to be one of the 5% of babies born on their due date as he only just made it with 25mins to spare!

And yes, it was another beautiful baby boy.

Atb7lb 12oz he wasn't even my biggest baby despite being born a week later than the other boys.

After the placenta (which came without needing the injection) I sat back on the bed and had the check for stitches (which I definitely needed the gas and air again for)! Thankfully I didn't need any (never have woop) and after the gas and air wore off I had those all important skin to skin snuggles ans feed with our new little man.

James text our parents and even rang his older brother who lives in America as he'd knew they be around unlike most of our family due to it being past midnight.


The quiet time was perfect ano he even slept in the hospital crib after his checks.

I had a shower (always a horrifying experience post birth) and felt much more refreshed. We tried a little sleep but I was running on adrenaline...James on the otherhand was snoring so loud!!

I couldn't stop looking at our bundle of joy!

James asked when it would be possible to go home as we knew we'd be comfortable there. After all the paperwork etc we were let out about 5 or 6am.

And there we left the hospital with Zachary tucked up safe in his car seat.

After a little snooze back home we woke around 8ish and worked on choosing his middle name as we were far too tired beforehand to think of one.

So introducing

Zachary Jack Spencer
6.5.17

Stop/start labour in 3rd pregnancy!

It's crazy to think that this time last week I was still pregnant.

Dreading the school runs due to all the usual "still here", "no baby yet" comments.

Deep down I knew that things were imminent due to a few signs but it was only James that knew.

I tried to get anything sorted that needed sorting whilst the boys were at school, just a quick clean up of house mainly!

Late that night I had what was an obvious show rather than me guessing it could have been. So had a nice long shower and settled down early ish.  I woke at 1 and we am with slight pains. At 3 they had cranked up and I was getting so nervous about it, I think I actually made myself think the pains were worse than they actually were. So much so that I woke James at 4 and got him to ring. We didn't get to the birthing centre until around 6am.

I sort of knew once there that things weren't progressing like it had with both the boys. But I wasn't prepared to be told I was only 1-2cm and be told it was best to go home.

Not going to lie I was so apprehensive about doing so, but understood that the contractions had no become quite irregular in strength and the time between each one.

In my head I thought this labour would be quite quick due to having Sam a few hours after entering the hospital.

I felt so deflated and cried to myself in bed when we got home.

My mum left with the boys and packed a bag incase they'd need it for later.

James and I were so bored and frustrated all day long. We didn't really have anything to do and it was literally a waiting game, I was so short tempered and quick tongued. We were so fed up of texts and messages off other people who some were unaware of what was happening.

At one point the contractions had slowed down so much that I thought it was never going to happen that day! They were 20/15mins apart but not always strong.

Gradually they started building up again still varying in length and strength but by 6pm ish things really cranked up!! Just before we left they were 4 mins apart and James started to panic we wouldn't make it in time!

Thankfully we did, unfortunately they slowed down slightly again and when I was checked was only 3-4cm. I just wanted to cry.

The midwife didn't want me to go home though this time they suggested going for a walk around the hospital for an hour and to try the stairs as baby still needed to move round and move his back around slightly.

We found out from near enough every midwife we'd seen that day that 3rd babies can be notorious for stop start labour and then making a quick arrival!!

At 9pm I couldn't take anymore walking around the empty corridors, I was so exhausted and the contractions I was having were unbearable standing up.

The midwives suggested getting a little bit of shut eye as we were both so tired.

Luckily we had a really big room, I've never had a birthing pool room before so was pleased to see it when they showed us in. There was a high more 'medical' looking bed which James chilled on and one low bed which I took. I couldn't really sleep but managed to rest at least.

The rest seemed to increase the time between contractions but come 10pm they started getting more unbearable.

I was literally flinching and grabbing James'shand or belt so tight. I felt that low feeling and had to get the midwife in.

I don't think they thought I could be that far along yet as they seemed adamant to see how dilated I was at 11.30pm which would have been 4 hours since last being checked.

But by just before 10.45 I has to get James to ask when I could have the pool ready and when she saw me again suggested gas and air (which I've hated before now) because I couldn't cope with the pain!

She examined me again and said I was 7cm and she'd get the pool ready...

Read the next post for the rest of the birth story!

Labour anxiety and totally fed up at 39+weeks

So as the title suggests today I am 39+5 weeks pregnant.

I'd had both the boys at this point, with Alex being 6 days early and Sam 8 days early I was certain this one would follow suit.

Unfortunately that has not been the case, unfortunately I had in my head that this baby would be with us no later than the bank holiday.

I've had over a week of on and off 'false starts', wishful thinkings?

I honestly thought at 2am on the 3rd that it was the real deal. But here I am, still here, still pregnant and wide awake at 4am...

I'm not going to lie I am so fed up now. I wish I hadn't got into my head that this one would be early like the others.

I wish that everyone else didn't think the same thing too as I am so, so sick of all the messages, texts, calls and chats at the school gates. I just want to scream "NO I HAVEN'T HAD THE BABY YET, NO I HAVEN'T GOT SIGNS" but of course I don't, and of course I know everyone is just being friendly.

With everyday that goes by I am getting more and more anxious about the birth.

It's been 4 and a half years since my last labour.  To me that seems a long time, I've been lucky in my last labours, I've not torn and with Sam I even managed without any pain relief.

As time goes on I keep thinking this baby is just getting bigger and heavier. I'm so worried about how big they will be and the impact that will have in labour and in my downstairs region!!!

I really want another natural labour, I really want to give a water birth a go this time, I really want to do it without pain relief again.

I'm finding everything hard work at the moment, from school runs to cooking the dinner, to trying to keep the house somewhat tidy. I've had help with morning school runs and have been doing the afternoon ones as much as I can, it's a mile each way and every time I do it I think 'this will help kick start things'.

I've no motivation when it comes to cooking, especially dinners at the moment. Everything is just giving me heartburn, I fancy the plainest foods but obviously that's boring for everyone else.

Every night I have my shower, a 'just incase I go into labour tonight at least I'll be fresh and clean'. And every night the past few days I've been in tears.

In tears because I'm finding it all too much.

In tears because each day that goes by is another day I've had time to worry about everything.

In tears with the aches and pains that make life so difficult in the late stages of pregnancy.

In tears as this could still go on another 2 weeks yet.

I really hope my next post will be more cherry and with some happier news to share!!

The final weeks of pregnancy!

On Monday I had my final blood test and unfortunately along the way I had been bitten by a dog!! Luckily it really wasn't that bad but it had managed to break the skin in 2 places. Because I knew I was heading straight to the doctors I just rushed off-I do hate confrontation with strangers!!

I was quite shaken up, and as soon as the nurses in the room asked if I was ok, I sort of half burst into tears and felt very embarrassed. It was one of those moments when I really wish they hadn't asked if I was ok as that just let the flood gates open-at 36 weeks pregnant it doesn't take much at the best of times!!

Anyway whilst there I asked whether I needed to take anything or buy special cream and as they were unsure they said to ask reception for a call back from the doctor. Unfortunately I need antibiotics for the next week! So now have indigestion pains from them as well as baby!

Tuesday morning I had my 36 week midwife appointment (potentially could be the last...) and was pleased to see it was with my normal midwife this time (not that there was anything wrong with the fill in one last time), always nice to see a friendly face.

I was so pleased that the bloods came back fine, I have been on iron tablets since the last blood test and luckily my levels are around 12 so I am fine to have baby in the birthing centre.

I am so, so relieved with this, I found Sam's labour in the birthing centre so much more relaxing than when I had Alex on the ward, it really didn't feel like I was in the hospital at all, I do have a little bit of a fear of hospitals generally otherwise!

She measured bump which was all good, she noticed how tight it is under my ribs and how little room there is left, I was pleased to find out baby is head down, with it's body to the right and limbs on the left (explains the weird poking out bits I've had this past week)! Baby wasn't engaged, but in bed last night I had a really bad sudden discomfort down below a few times and lots of pressure, so I am wondering if maybe it is now or making a start!! EEK

I am tempted this time to try a water birth, the pools were in use when I had Sam, and I won't be totally disappointed if they are again, I just think it would be nice to try, and with this being my last pregnancy I would really like to give the opportunity a go. I am just wondering whether I would get too hot and then start feeling ill.

We are almost sorted with everything baby, my parents kindly took the boys away Friday night-Monday night in Bournemouth and as James had the weekend off we sorted out our room, cleared some rubbish from the house, and after a year of having no thresholds after laying our hallway floor we finally got them down along with some hallway lights up, as it was so nice weather-wise we didn't do as much as we had planned too. But we only really have the babies crib to make up now, the rest of the DIY will probably wait another few months to a year I'd expect!!

It was so nice to have some time to ourselves and just have ourselves to think about without worrying about feeding, bathing, and bedtimes! We caught up with some friends and family, and took a wander around Cirencester-where we had a yummy lunch!

Plus the boys had a fantastic time away and it was probably much needed as we really don't have much planned this school holiday!

So I am going to try and enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy, despite the tiredness and general aches and pains, and also being without a working car at the moment (hopefully being sorted asap)! I also have a haircut appointment today which is much needed as I haven't had my hair cut in over a year and I so need it!!

32+ weeks pregnant

I can't believe I have 7 and a half weeks left of this pregnancy, potentially less seeing as I had the boy's about a week early.

I was full of energy after the weekend, the sunny spring day on Monday put me into a great mood.

I'd got James to get all the baby things out of the loft on Sunday evening so I was eager to sort through the clothes and bedding, and got all the neutral bits washed up.

It felt odd looking at all the baby bits, I think I am still a little in denial that there will be another little person joining the family!

I get quite sentimental when looking at the boy's old things, I was a teeny bit sad that the snowsuits they used to wear won't be used this time with this baby being born at a completely different time of year!

I've had to put a small pile of bits back away already as they will be too wintry.

I also always think at this point in the pregnancy, why did we not find out the sex?

It would make it so much easier when sorting out the clothes, if it's a boy then we are sorted, if not then I will have a big bag for charity apart from some sentimental items I'd expect! Although, really I am happy to have another surprise, certainly keeps everyone guessing, and I love the moment you first find out too.

Anyway after all the organising on Monday I think I really burnt myself out, I slept awful that night as had really bad hip pain, each trip to the loo was agony, and I tossed and turned all night. James' alarm goes off at 6am and I must have looked rough as he said he's take time off work.

It was such a relief to be able to rest and not do the school run that morning, I have a 2 mile walk there and back twice a day and it is starting to take it's toll now.

As bump is getting bigger and heavier, I am getting slower, and waddling more, still it's keeping me fitter I guess!

I think I have reached that hormonal stage again, as this past week literally everything is annoying me, the house is so messy where I just have no energy to sort it properly. I do the bare minimum at the moment!

There's so many unfinished DIY projects about, the downside to having a handy man hubby is that our house is always the last to be done! He's electrical business has been doing really well recently which is great, but also hard work as he's been out from 6am to 10pm some days, it's getting hard on all the family, especially this week where he's been out every evening, the boys miss him, I miss the help, and he is exhausted when he's home!

I guess, I am going to have to start asking/accepting some help more now the next few weeks, everyone keeps telling me to rest up but it is so hard to, as if I stop so does everything in the house!

Choosing a name

So with baby due in a little over 10 weeks we are upping the anti in terms to trying to find a name we both like.

We are pretty sure that this is another boy, although, we could be very surprised with a girl. But with that in mind we have mainly focused on boys names for the time being!

Here's a list of some of the names we don't mind, I will admit there isn't a stand out one at the moment, but then again Samuel was un-named for 24 hours and probably wasn't on our list!

I quite like names that can be shortened, I think this is good when the child is older and can choose which version of the name they prefer.

Both Alex and Sam have the longer versions of their names on paper, but mainly we have called them by the shorter versions. I think I'd like this for our 3rd baby too.

I think Reuben is the only one on our list that we could probably do that with at the moment, although I don't know if James is as keen on that name, I'm undecided! *Update, James doesn't like this name*

Some of the names we have on our boy's list are: Harry, Charlie, Max, Hugo, Rory (I haven't told James about that one yet). And well from the way James' sister reacted to Hugo being on our list I don't think we will be using that name..."you can't have that name that's one of ours!"...they aren't expecting yet or anything but I don't think it would be worth our life haha. Also as much as I like Charlie in particular there are so many of them...

Girls names, like I said we haven't given a great amount of thought, ones we liked when pregnant with the boys were Isabelle/a, and Amelie but there does seem to be lots of these names around at the moment and I'm not totally sure I still like them as much. I quite like Sophia but again it's very popular. I've just been going through the top 1000 British names this morning to try and help, I quite like Grace, Charlotte/Lottie and Imogen from the list, possibly more for middle names, I've no idea!

Our surname is Spencer so we are lucky that quite a lot of names do go with it, although sometimes I find names ending with er or a don't have quite the same ring to it though...although obviously Alex does have that.

Alexander James Spencer
Samuel George Spencer

What middle name works well with:
Reuben Spencer ?

What names did you have on your lists when expecting?

Are there any names you could recommend, I'm sick of looking through name lists at the moment!

HELP haha

The 3rd trimester: 28 weeks

I can't quite believe I am already in the 3rd trimester of this pregnancy, the 2nd trimester seemed to fly by, and apart from the odd bit of breathlessness and a couple of faint spells it went by trouble free really.

I had my 28 week checkup on Tuesday as well as a routine blood test.

My blood pressure was fine, and my midwife told me that baby was lying breech (which explains the bad rib pain I've had of late) and for the first time found the heart beat straight away. Baby before now has moved and wriggled at any time the midwife has tried to locate the heart beat!

I have been more tired recently so when I had a voicemail from the midwife the day after my appointment it didn't come to a great surprise to me that my iron levels are low. I know definitely had iron tablets with Sam and not sure if I had to with Alex also.

So tomorrow I will be picking up my iron supply from the pharmacy and praying it gives me some extra energy!

I was really looking forward to this half term as there would be no rushing around for school runs, but apart from a bit of a lie in each morning I have actually found it much harder than a normal week.

I forgot how much attention Alex needs, he literally does not stop talking, and although the boy's have had moments of playing lovely together they have squabbled a great amount too!

I have not had ANY energy this week, we have been to 2 local parks with friends, and Mum had them yesterday afternoon to take swimming, but apart from baking some cakes we really haven't done much at all. I feel a bit guilty, but I think I'm allowed to be a bit selfish when feeling so rubbish!

I feel huge this week, not sure if I've had a spurt, but I am measuring at 28weeks, whereas with the boy's I think I was still measuring slightly small at this stage (definitely with Alex anyway). As I am bigger the joys of pregnancy have really hit this week, my ribs have been in agony and I have really struggled to work at the desk, sit down comfortably anywhere and get comfortable at night time, as well as bad moments of heart burn and indigestion!

 I guess one good thing is my skin and hair seem to still be lovely at the moment and there is a LOT of movement from baby, although it is starting to get painful occasionally, it's so lovely how excited people get when they see and feel it kick, the boys are always amazed by it!

Baby product wishlist

Seeing this is our third baby we know what we will need, and we know what most likely will not be used!

Also seeing as this is our third we do have some bits still in the loft as I was never ready to get rid of anything when we moved 2 years ago....a sure sign we both were still thinking another baby was on the cards at some point!

We won't sort through the baby bits until nearer the time and once we have sorted the upstairs bedrooms in terms to painting and re-arranging.

But we do know we definitely need some new products, the main ones being: pushchair/travel system, a cot for our room, and further down the line a highchair.

Pushchair travel system
This will be our first big baby purchase as it's the one thing we will most need.

You can't leave the hospital without a carseat, and as I don't drive a pushchair is a must.

We have had travel systems with each of the boys and haven't had a problem with them at all.

With both of them we had similar Graco travel systems with the baby car seat and simple pushchair design.

As we've had no problems with these and the Graco brand I think we would be silly not to try and find something similar again, both our pushchairs must have clocked quite a few miles with the amount of walking I do!

Graco Mirage Plus Travel system

I quite like the pattern on this one, especially as we don't know the sex of the baby (although we both think it's another boy)!

As much as a like these pushchairs, there is a big part of me that would love a pram attachment, we've never had one and as I am pretty sure this is our last baby I really want one this time-I'm hoping this would help with sleeping on their back as both the boys were a nightmare with sleeping in cots at first!

This Mothercare Xpedior Pram and pushchair would be a cheaper option than many, however the completely plain colour reflects that I think, but it does have some good reviews which is always reassuring! 

I need to have a good look around at the shops and see if we can find something that fits our needs. It might mean we have to stray from Graco if we can't find one with a pram attachment, but then again we may not be able to afford one with a pram attachment anyway. 

A cot for our room

Our room is small, so fitting a full size cot would not be possible. Also if this baby is anything like the other two then they will not be good sleepers at first! Looking back I am horrified to think James used to sleep on the sofa with Alex in the first week or two, and with Sam he stayed in our bed a lot in the early days which worried me greatly and as a result I don't think I slept well at all. 

This is why I think that a crib that attaches to the bed will be a great help.

We've not had any experience with these and haven't really heard much about them from friends etc either, but as I am planning on breast feeding, planning on having baby in the same room for a while and we are limited on space I think that this would be the best option. 

There are plenty on the market and it's a bit overwhelming when you're constantly tired looking on the internet. But these two stood out for me...

SnuzPod2

This would match with our bed being white, but at just under £200 it doesn't come cheap. I like the fact it's a 3 in 1 so can be used as a stand alone, the bassinet on it's own or attached to the bed, the rocking legs may come in handy too. 

Chicco Next2Me Crib

Now although this one doesn't look as nice as the SnuzPod it may be more practical as it fits into a travel bag, not that we go away much but would be better than a normal travel cot if we were to go anywhere in the early months. This can be a stand alone crib or attached to the bed. 

If our budget doesn't allow, then we may have to go for a simple crib like this one from Kiddicare which at £40 is much more affordable, but not as desirable in ease of breastfeeding and hopeful sleep. 

Are there any baby products or companies you couldn't have done without, or would highly recommend. It's been over 4 years since we had to look at baby products so things may have changed in that time! 

Dizziness in pregnancy

Pregnancy.

It's wonderful but it also has it's downsides! 

Just before Christmas I had an awful dizzy spell, I was only sat at the desk writing the last of the Christmas cards when all of a sudden I went scorching hot, felt clammy, my vision started going along with the ringing and muffles noises in my ears. I made my way straight up to bed and lay on my side. 

It was really frightening, and I know when it happens there isn't really much I can do to stop it, it's just something that has to run it's course. 

I was thankful for being home, and it also being when James was around too. 

I had my midwife appointment the day after so it was a welcome relief to find out all was fine with baby, as well as my BP etc being all fine too. 

She thought that because everything seemed fine otherwise that it was probably cause by baby laying in an awkward postilion and most likely on an important nerve.

Unfortunately on the school run on Friday morning, in the very thin layer of snow I suddenly felt all the same feelings as before coming on. Luckily I was walking with a friend at the time and we were near a park area so I had somewhere to lean. 

It's always so scary when this happens away from home, I am so thankful that I was away from the main road and also not alone. 

I felt not too bad shortly afterwards and caught up with my friend who had taken Alex along to school for me and then another friend gave me a lift back home. 

It really takes it out of me for the rest of the day, and I tend to feel super tired and look really pale, I am very much hoping it doesn't happen again, especially not on the school run at least, as we have to go along a dual carriageway and aren't always walking along with others. 

I don't want to have to rely on lots of people to help with school runs already as I think I may need some help when bump is much heavier. 

I have another midwife appointment tomorrow so will see what the midwife can suggest! 

These babies like to keep us on our toes before they are even here! 16 weeks to go though, it seems to be flying by! 

Our 20 week scan

Just a few days before Christmas we got an early present.

We got to see our precious baby again.

I'd had to ring to re-arrange our appointment as the original one fell when James was away and I had no way of making it there in time as well as not wanting to go without him.

Unlike our 12 week scan we had quite the wait.

As many will know you have to try and drink lots before the scan, but as we were waiting so long I had to use the ladies room as the thought of someone pressing down there for the scan was enough to make my bladder scream. Because of this we didn't get the best scan photos which is a bit of a shame but just one of those things!

I think we went in around 20 weeks + 5, and she measured away, she seemed to take an age measuring the heart and said "I'll come back to that". This made us panic a bit and I'm glad James spoke up to ask if everything was ok!

Thankfully it was, she just couldn't get a couple of measurements she needed to check off as baby was in an awkward position.

Baby really wasn't being overly helpful at all, fast asleep and not willing to move, so I had to roll right onto my side so she could dig right down to get the all important measurements needed...I think this one might be trouble you know!!

Luckily all is going well with baby, growing healthily and everything as it should be, always so reassuring to see them on the screen, no scan photo can ever compare to that.

It definitely made it all feel more real, this pregnancy so far seems to have flown by, I think as I have been so busy the past few months I will admit I haven't had the most amount of time thinking or preparing for it, we still have so much to figure out, I think the next couple of months will make decisions on what to buy and which rooms to decorate before the new arrival!

Three is the magic number

Super happy and excited to say that baby Spencer no.3 is growing nicely, so nicely in fact my date moved from the 11th of May to 6th May, happy days. 

Keeping everything crossed that it stays that way. 

After weeks of feeling nauseous and sick it has been so nice to be able to eat and be in the kitchen again the past week or so-I'm certainly making up for all the lost eating!!

I even managed to cook last night which is the first time in a VERY long time as I literally couldn't stand the thought, look or smell of food for about 2 months, thankfully James stepped up to the plate and did all the cooking for the kids and himself!

I was so relived to see a tiny heartbeat and pleased to know that everything looks fine, it's always a bit of a worry before a scan, I couldn't help but think "what if", but I have been much more at ease since Monday morning, it definitely feels more real now!

Time to start thinking of all the baby products we need to save up for, we got rid of the cot as part of it was broken, the high chair went mouldy in the loft and a new pushchair travel system is top priority after Christmas! 

Exciting times, the kids are happy, although I am not so sure Sam understands the concept, he keeps saying "but it's not here yet" and doesn't believe it is growing in my tummy!

Disconnected

Here I am sat on the sofa yet again.

I've spent weeks here half asleep and sometimes in pain.

The nausea taking over in waves, sometimes so strong that I just burst into tears.

I've lost count of the times I have said "I can't take this anymore".

Of course I am happy and excited about the future, but when the sickness takes hold it is hard to look beyond the moment itself, let alone the day, weeks and months ahead.

I feel quite alone at the moment, apart from school runs every day, Alex's swimming lesson, the kids odd party, and a couple of evenings with our parents I haven't left the house.

I'm literally in our lounge most of the day, watching trashy day time TV, I don't have an ounce of energy to do anything!

I feel guilty that I just can't be a good parent to the boys, and a good wife to James.

James has been doing so much, he leaves the house very early in the morning and gets back around 6pm most days.

When he gets home he sorts dinner for the boys and him, the evenings I just can't face the kitchen, the thought of food and definitely the smells.

He's been doing a lot of the bedtimes, some nights the kids have had to come down to say goodnight to me here, on the sofa as I just don't have the energy to move.

Evenings seem to be the worst time for me, from collecting the boys from school to when I go to bed I just feel nauseous and food cannot pass my lips, I'm lucky if I have a glass of water to drink too.

Because of all this, I just feel a bit useless. I am 9 weeks pregnant. Only 31 weeks to go...

The positives, I had my 1st midwife appointment last week and the midwife is lovely, now I am patiently awaiting the scan date, ok not patiently at all, each day the post comes I get all excited but it hasn't appeared yet.

After the heart ache earlier in the year I am very much hoping all goes well this pregnancy!

I was going to wait until the scan to post here, but I just felt I had to get it out somewhere, our close family and a couple of friends we see most days on school runs know but I desperately want to tell everyone, I am sure many of the school mums have guessed as I have looked awful for weeks!!

Early Miscarriage

I didn't know whether to post this, but it has helped me this morning, and it may help other's please don't continue to read on if it will upset you. 

This morning the weather was foggy just like my head.

My breasts no longer swollen and sore, just cramps and pain where my baby should be.

It is still so raw, so new, I'm not quite sure what to do.

It is so hard to grieve for something you only saw at first as two lines, and then in a horrible bloody mass. Last night when it eventually happened (I say eventually as I knew it was inevitable and wanted the waiting to end) I paused, I freaked out, how could I just flush what would eventually been our baby away? It made it so, final.

It sounds silly, you know it is common, but you always think 'it will never happen to me', we have been lucky- all our pregnancies we have got pregnant first time, I was lucky in both the boy's pregnancies that I didn't have complications apart from bad sickness and one small scare with Sam, their births have been, dare I say it easy in the sense it was pretty much 'textbook'. So when I fell pregnant this time, of course we thought the same would happen. Naive? Maybe.

As much as you try not to get too excited, or plan ahead too much, you can't help but do it, think of what the future may be, what it holds for them, how it will change your family.

I stupidly thought things felt different this pregnancy and my only thought was perhaps it's a girl, perhaps she won't make me so sick like the boys did. I didn't once think that it could have been because things weren't as they should be, I had all the signs, swollen sore boobs, tiredness that is only felt when pregnant (although not as much as when with the boy's looking back now), and eating everything, I could have had shares in Malteasers the past few weeks.

I felt ill Tuesday morning but it wasn't pregnancy related, I could tell. Then when wiping (TMI sorry) I saw a streak of blood in discharge, barely anything but like any pregnant mother I worried, I googled, and read anything I could, I thought it was probably spotting, although had never had it with the boy's so that was stuck at the back of my head. But gradually throughout Wednesday the blood was more, still barely anything but changing to red colour, the warning colour for bleeding in pregnancy. Wednesday evening James went out to a comedy gig with my brother's and Dad as it was their Christmas present, I put the boys to bed and went for my shower, and then I knew. Alone in the bathroom, I knew the end was starting, a red streak in my knickers.

When James came home he knew something was wrong, we embraced in the longest, tightest cuddle we have had whilst I burst into tears, at that point I was still hoping I was just 'spotting', I would be in that small group of people that bleed but still go on to have healthy babies, but I think deep down I knew, I knew.

I thought if I was miscarrying that it would have happened quicker, over night I would have woken with pains and cramps, but I didn't, I slept great, felt great when my eyes opened. So it was a kick to the stomach to find darker blood, clots, and lots more of it than the night before in the bathroom that morning. I walked the school run in a daze, popped to Asda with Sam for essentials, trying to avoid my eyes from the newborn nappy packets on the end of the isles, the newborns in the trolleys and the pregnant bumps, we got home and I spent a lazy day on the sofa, with Sam giving me cuddles and behaving so well, he has no idea how much that helped.

The cramps started around lunch time, not really painful, but there, I still wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks like it does sometimes when googling your symptoms. But come 4-5 o'clock it there was no hiding from it any more. I somehow ate dinner, whilst having bad pains, whilst the boys looked on saying "Mummy isn't well". We finished off watching a film in our bed with the boys that night, us four snuggled, I grabbed James' hand and flinched, this was it, I waited for the boys to do their teeth before I went to the bathroom where the worst of it happened.

I thought that would be it, I thought miscarriage was quick, I thought it would be one big loss of blood and pain and it would be over like it is on the telly. I didn't think it would be days of it, days of constant reminders of what could have been.

Of course that's just the physical pain, I think it will take a while for us to get over this loss, our baby may only have been 6 weeks, but we will mourn the loss of another child, another sibling for our son's, grandchild for our parents, a niece or nephew for our siblings. But of course in time we will.

We will move on, hug our boys that bit tighter and closer and carry on.

Life, you never know what it is going to throw at you, but you have to come through the other side stronger.

Sometimes life gives you a kick in the stomach

Two lines,  

Our little secret. 

Smiles upon our faces 

Hopes, dreams, wishes. 

Planning ahead for what may be. 

Red. 

Hopes, dreams, wishes turn to fear, sadness and pain. 

Smiles turn to tears. 

Thoughts to what could have been. 

A new Prince, Mummy tummies, My shocking post birth photos and Names!

I'm in no way much of a royalist, but the last few years I have found quite exciting, particularly the wedding of Will and Kate, and quite obviously the recent birth of a future king.

In fact I really didn't think I would be that bothered about the royal baby-turns out I was though.

Being hooked to the screen watching a door for over an hour yesterday, not daring to leave the room in case of missing the moment sort of proved that point!

I really felt for them all, despite being excited to get a glimpse of their little boy the thought of having to go through that ordeal a day after giving birth is just unbearable.

Yes I know Kate had her hair done, I expect someone chose her outfit/it was chosen with help but I bet the last thing she wanted to do was get 'dolled up' and face the world. I am sure she probably would have loved to leave in some comfy tracksuit bottoms and vest top like I expect most new mums do (at least I know I did-twice)!

I thought she handled it very well, with grace and elegance. I am not quite sure how she managed to walk down them steps with such ease, I definitely hobbled out of the hospital and told James to slow down on our way out-let alone walked out in heels and having my legs on show!

It was lovely however to get a glimpse of 'normality' coming through from them both, behind the make up were tired eyes and raw emotions that any Mother, Father and new parent feel. The radiance and pride shining from them both was lovely to see.

I was shocked when I followed the link from Katy Hill last night showing OK! magazines front cover.

 I don't really read magazines, I think they can make you feel too fat, too skinny, too inadequate, and are usually filled with dross, but my God, whoever thought it would be good to run this as their main cover for the day after Kate gave birth...words fail me.

She's just flipping given birth, she has the worlds media attention on her, she will have a baby belly/ mummy tummy/whatever you want to call it, for weeks. It takes 9 months to make a baby why do the media make all Mum's feel like this area should shrink as soon as the baby is born, the uterus has to shrink back in time!!

Yes I expect she will train, have some sort of diet, but I do hope it's when she wants to, not when someone tells her too or the media pressure gets to her.

Anyway I have digressed a little...

Here's how I looked just after giving birth, first with Alex in 2009

Minutes after Alex was born

And with Sam in 2012

An hour after Sam was born

Yes it is the same style nighty-I bought two when pregnant with Alex and didn't use one-see I don't think much of my photo outfits ;)

I really can't believe I have shown these photos to you all! Especially the first one-my parent's have the most awful photo of me the day after Alex was born which I HATE as I thought I looked ok and felt fine!!

I also LOVE the name they have chosen for the young Prince. George is Sam's middle name, Alex is Alexander on paper and Louis Is my youngest brother's name, my parents, James and I must have good taste ;)

Now that we know all the baby details I hope the couple get the privacy to enjoy their new bundle of joy, the first few weeks are hard going for any new parent. I bet it must be a rather strange feeling looking at your newborn knowing they will one day be King though don't you?

Thanks to Suzanne from 3 children and it for the inspiration too!

Breast feeding: My journey with my second born son

You may have read yesterday's post about breastfeeding my first born son for national breastfeeding awareness week. Today I am writing about my journey feeding Sam.

Having some struggles with the latch with Alex just made me all the more determined to get it right this time around.

This time I knew what to expect, I knew the first weeks especially would be hard, but ultimately I was excited to to try again in hope of succeeding this time around.

After a quick last stage of labour I was very much in shock when Sam was passed under my legs for me to hold and place on my chest, I was a bit shaken and taken aback, and was a bit of a blur! I don't remember the first feed quite as much because of this I think. But after a wash I remember holding my little bundle of joy in the armchair of our birthing centre room, James dozing on the bed (yes you did read that right)! It was perfect, he seemed to latch on perfectly, I stroked his hands and stared in wonderment at how just an hour or so ago this little boy was inside of me, it was our little moment, just the two of us.

Again it was the night before my milk came in I struggled, I'd been up for hours, at about 3am I nudged James with tears rolling down my cheeks in exhaustion. James being James said don't worry, and popped down to the local walmart buying a pre sterilised bottle without hesitation (despite the temperature being in the minus'). Sam suckled and settled after a few ounces. He had a few of these in the first couple of weeks, but to my delight he seemed to prefer the breast.

We had the latch right  or so I thought, it soon became apparent that on the left side we weren't. I searched furiously at videos and websites showing how to get the correct latch and also mentioned to the midwife (although didn't particularly find her too helpful). For some reason it still wasn't right despite me thinking I was doing nothing wrong in comparison to the content I had been viewing and reading.

After about a week I had bought a hand expresser, apart from one wrong first go which had be screaming in tears after seeing lots of blood instead of milk (after apparently squeezing too hard because I was so desperate for it to work and to help me) it was my saviour.

I continued to use the expresser on this side until the cracks and redness had eased, Sam fed on my right breast and at the same time I expressed my left. It didn't particularly look the perfect image, and some days I really felt much like a milking cow. The let down reflux made it much easier and quicker to fill a small bottle this way, I always found expressing when he wasn't feeding quite deflating with a measly couple of ounces if I was lucky.

I do remember travelling back from a family Christmas party on the motorway expressing in the car with a blanket half over me trying desperately not to cause a car accident at the sight of my boobs out (either from other drivers or James)! ;) In fact I did this a fair few times, as I was always quite self concious of breast feeding in front of some family and friends.

After about a month to 6 weeks I no longer needed to express, the latching problem seemed to solve itself, and Sam actually really went off any form of bottle feeding, which was somewhat bitter sweet but only because it was a welcome break for James to take over a feed if he were to have a bottle.

I enjoyed feeding Sam much more, and I felt more at ease than I ever did with Alex. I also found breastfeeding much more convenient than bottle feeding with Alex to think of too. I didn't have to wait to sterilise, or wait for water to cool etc, just whipped down my top and hey presto they were ready to go.

I even plucked up the courage to feed in public, although still very self concious about, and I could probably count on my hand how many times this was a big step for me, and so what if people judge or give a look of disapproval? I was feeding my baby the most natural way I could.

After a few months I wanted to try and get Sam onto at least one bottle a day as I was finding it quite draining, gradually this built up over the next few months. At 6 months he now has 3 bottles, but still feeds on me in the night if needed and at his morning feed. Really I think he is outgrowing it a bit as he is fussing and doesn't seem all that bothered-it is me this time not wanting to let go, sadly I think our breastfeeding journey is going to come to an end soon.

But this time I am pleased and proud, that I didn't give in at the first hurdle, that I didn't give into peer pressure,and that I had the support once more of James.

I really enjoy the moments I get to feed Sam, the way he twiddles my top and hair, strokes me and kneads me, and  how gets excited once he knows he is going to be fed, those times will always be precious for me.

Perhaps me feeding him more throughout his journey so far has led him to be a Mummy's boy rather than Alex who is much more a Daddy's boy, could that be down to James feeding him lots in the early weeks? It does make me wonder.

Snuggled on me after a night time feed

Breast feeding- My journey with my first born son

For months I have felt the need to write about my journey feeding both my boys. Since it is National Breastfeeding Awareness week it felt just the right time to do, so this post is my journey with Alex, my first born:

I was 6 days off being 20 years old when I had Alex, so really quite young, but I'd like to think I had quite a mature head on me. Even before the NCT classes, and the breastfeeding class included in that, I was quite keen to give breastfeeding a go. I felt it was the natural thing to do, the only thing worrying me was what my peers would think.

The moment he first latched on and snuggled up to my breast, cradled in my arms was and still is one of the most magical moments I remember from his birth. Feeling his new, smooth, warm skin eventually against mine after 9 months of waiting just felt perfect and like the whole world had stopped in that moment.

This euphoria however didn't last, after the first days I was dreading each feed, every cry would nearly have me in tears for the pain that was to come. In hindsight I don't think we ever really had the latch right, I was red raw, cracked, bleeding and in agony with each suck; I bit my lip, I screamed into pillows, clenched my fists, tears were shed, but I carried on none the less, because I felt I'd be failing as a mother if I didn't continue.

I should have taken help from the many people and places I could have received it from but I didn't, I lied to the midwives and health visitors that everything was fine, when in actual fact looking back it really wasn't, Alex had lost a lot of his birth weight in the first 10 days.

The reason why I suffered in silence? I was afraid, I was just 20, I was scared that admitting I wasn't getting it right would send some sort of alarm bells off to the health officials and think I wasn't coping. I was scared they might think I was suffering with depression and not dealing with being a Mum.

The day before my milk properly came in was the day we gave Alex his first bottle, I remember feeling a failure, and having the sense like I was feeding my baby some sort of poison. But it is what he needed. Unfortunately he loved it, which led us giving him more bottles, the bottled milk settled him, and James fed him a bottle for the night feeds in the first two weeks.

This obviously led to my milk supply slowing, so once James went back to work I picked up the night time feeding, and although I was still sore, it was bearable and over time it did become more comfortable.

We still combination fed Alex and I carried on feeding him myself until he was about 5/6 months old. He was always a very hungry baby so needed the extra bottled milk (even the hungry baby milk didn't fill him up much), and despite me really trying to get my milk supply up it just didn't very well and he was always wanting more after most feeds.

I was very self concious of feeding him myself, I think I only ever fed in public once (much to the disgrace of the old people in the Marks and Spencer cafe) hidden in a corner, with him hidden under a blanket and feeling like the world was staring and judging me. Whenever I had friends over I'd always use bottles, because I always felt far too nervous, and like they thought it was the wrong thing to do.

Looking back, I wish I had taken the help offered and been more honest, who knows it may have led to a more positive breastfeeding experience even though this wasn't too bad it could have been a lot better. I wish I hadn't given in to the pressure of worrying what other people might think, and feeling like I had to bottle feed like a lot of other young Mum's I knew had.

If I can offer any new Mum any advice, it would be to take the advice available, and find a support.

I was lucky to have James supporting me whichever decision I chose, although I think he would have found it very strange if I hadn't even given breastfeeding a go. He didn't but any pressure on me, and actually the times he helped with the bottle feeds I found a God send as I really found it a shock to the system becoming a mother first time around

Before his first feed (I have no photos that remotely even look like I am feeing him)

If only men could feel the pain of labour...

So a lot of men say, labour can't be that bad...

They think we over exaggerate...

They think they have better pain thresholds than us...

They think they would cope a lot better if they had to go through labour...

Well wouldn't you just love your man to feel just a little part of what us women go through in labour...

...I think they should make this part of parenting classes don't you? Tee hee.

That way maybe your other half might be less partial to go out and get that sandwich and drink, or fall asleep on the beanbag next to the bed whilst you are in late stages of labour...yes I'm looking at you James!

The birth of Samuel George

After what felt like an eternity of sickness, aches, pains, indigestion and dizziness our second little boy made his way into the world, listening well to his Mum's pleas to be early!

He tricked me a bit, Saturday the first I had extremely strong braxton hicks in the middle of the night, that seemed to come regularly for a couple of hours so it was a bit of a sleepless night for me and James as we were anxious as to if it was the start of things. Then all stopped until the next Saturday anyway!

I got up and with no pains but noticed a show first thing, got a little anxious and then within the next hour had a few pains, at first they came every half hour or so, I then went manic and cleaned the bathroom, did the washing up and gave the house a quick hoover. Made James say he couldn't work his second job that evening and he kept ringing to check up on things from some building work they were doing that morning (typically in an area where phone signal is practically non existent)! Then come lunch time-nothing. We had a Christmas meal with James' family as they were off to Florida on the Sunday evening, I didn't have much appetite and didn't want to eat too much, just in case! I had the odd twinge but nothing that felt more than a braxton hicks.

2 Sunday morning- strong pains, no doubt in my mind that it was the start of labour.
2.30- call my mum, have a shower (not sure why seeing as what was to come).
3.30-hospital.
4.00- 4/5cm and moved to the birthing unit, which was so relaxed and I am so pleased I managed to birth there, James said to the midwife it looked like we had paid privately for the privilege!
6.00- contractions and pain really bad, James dosed on the beanbag (typical) but always held out his out for me when I shouted at him for it. he was great at getting me to breathe through the pain rather than shouting "Ow it hurts".
8.00- only 6cm despite strong contractions, had waters broken, made to kneel to let "gravity to it's job", I suddenly felt immense pain and asked for pethidine! Midwife 'went to get it' and 5 minutes later I said I needed to push, James said I couldn't and I think I shouted at him to get the midwife, how wasn't getting me pethidine at all and was sat waiting as he knew I wouldn't be long!
8.35-Three painful pushes later and our gorgeous Samuel made his way into the world staring up at me all peaceful and angelic.
8.45-placenta out without the need of the injection.
14.30-free to leave the hospital

It was the birth I wanted, I managed to do it all without any pain relief at all, I didn't use the birthing pool but in the end I didn't mind at all. It was rather strange having the midwife switch over just before 8am and then having a male midwife come in a check you without really getting used to them, and pretty much instantly breaking your waters! But he was lovely, think I was just shocked to see a male midwife! The birthing centre was so much more relaxed than the delivery unit (not that anything was wrong with that with Alex), it just felt like being in some weird hotel. I am so pleased (and surprised) I needed no stitches and delighted that we managed to go home after 6 hours of having him rather than staying in over night. The first hour after having him I think I was in a bit of shock, and it all felt a bit surreal, mainly because the last stage had happened so quickly in the end!

What made that  journey home even better was that we had an hour before James' parents and younger brothers left for the airport, so we swung by their house and I think they were so pleased to meet him before they left. Alex had been out for the day with my parents, as it was my Grandad's 70th birthday on the Friday, as Alex had fallen asleep in the car he wasn't in the best mood to introduce the new arrival, and just wanted Daddy cuddles, but when he walked into our bedroom the next morning he was lovely and so proud.

Samuel didn't have a name for the first 18 hours or so which was a bit weird, we kept changing our mind and as you know we have struggled to settle on names the whole way through.

Things are going quite well, the first few nights I think I only managed 3 ours sleep, but the last two nights we have had 4/5 hours straight from 12am. I am finding feeding hard this time around but trying my hardest not to give up, but I am so sore and can't seem to get the latch right despite lots of trying!

Not finding much time to do anything on the computer so if I don't make in on to blog for a while have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Oh and a good tip that seems to have worked with my two boys, if you want to start labour hoover the whole house on your hands and knees!