Labour anxiety and totally fed up at 39+weeks

So as the title suggests today I am 39+5 weeks pregnant.

I'd had both the boys at this point, with Alex being 6 days early and Sam 8 days early I was certain this one would follow suit.

Unfortunately that has not been the case, unfortunately I had in my head that this baby would be with us no later than the bank holiday.

I've had over a week of on and off 'false starts', wishful thinkings?

I honestly thought at 2am on the 3rd that it was the real deal. But here I am, still here, still pregnant and wide awake at 4am...

I'm not going to lie I am so fed up now. I wish I hadn't got into my head that this one would be early like the others.

I wish that everyone else didn't think the same thing too as I am so, so sick of all the messages, texts, calls and chats at the school gates. I just want to scream "NO I HAVEN'T HAD THE BABY YET, NO I HAVEN'T GOT SIGNS" but of course I don't, and of course I know everyone is just being friendly.

With everyday that goes by I am getting more and more anxious about the birth.

It's been 4 and a half years since my last labour.  To me that seems a long time, I've been lucky in my last labours, I've not torn and with Sam I even managed without any pain relief.

As time goes on I keep thinking this baby is just getting bigger and heavier. I'm so worried about how big they will be and the impact that will have in labour and in my downstairs region!!!

I really want another natural labour, I really want to give a water birth a go this time, I really want to do it without pain relief again.

I'm finding everything hard work at the moment, from school runs to cooking the dinner, to trying to keep the house somewhat tidy. I've had help with morning school runs and have been doing the afternoon ones as much as I can, it's a mile each way and every time I do it I think 'this will help kick start things'.

I've no motivation when it comes to cooking, especially dinners at the moment. Everything is just giving me heartburn, I fancy the plainest foods but obviously that's boring for everyone else.

Every night I have my shower, a 'just incase I go into labour tonight at least I'll be fresh and clean'. And every night the past few days I've been in tears.

In tears because I'm finding it all too much.

In tears because each day that goes by is another day I've had time to worry about everything.

In tears with the aches and pains that make life so difficult in the late stages of pregnancy.

In tears as this could still go on another 2 weeks yet.

I really hope my next post will be more cherry and with some happier news to share!!