Labour anxiety and totally fed up at 39+weeks

So as the title suggests today I am 39+5 weeks pregnant.

I'd had both the boys at this point, with Alex being 6 days early and Sam 8 days early I was certain this one would follow suit.

Unfortunately that has not been the case, unfortunately I had in my head that this baby would be with us no later than the bank holiday.

I've had over a week of on and off 'false starts', wishful thinkings?

I honestly thought at 2am on the 3rd that it was the real deal. But here I am, still here, still pregnant and wide awake at 4am...

I'm not going to lie I am so fed up now. I wish I hadn't got into my head that this one would be early like the others.

I wish that everyone else didn't think the same thing too as I am so, so sick of all the messages, texts, calls and chats at the school gates. I just want to scream "NO I HAVEN'T HAD THE BABY YET, NO I HAVEN'T GOT SIGNS" but of course I don't, and of course I know everyone is just being friendly.

With everyday that goes by I am getting more and more anxious about the birth.

It's been 4 and a half years since my last labour.  To me that seems a long time, I've been lucky in my last labours, I've not torn and with Sam I even managed without any pain relief.

As time goes on I keep thinking this baby is just getting bigger and heavier. I'm so worried about how big they will be and the impact that will have in labour and in my downstairs region!!!

I really want another natural labour, I really want to give a water birth a go this time, I really want to do it without pain relief again.

I'm finding everything hard work at the moment, from school runs to cooking the dinner, to trying to keep the house somewhat tidy. I've had help with morning school runs and have been doing the afternoon ones as much as I can, it's a mile each way and every time I do it I think 'this will help kick start things'.

I've no motivation when it comes to cooking, especially dinners at the moment. Everything is just giving me heartburn, I fancy the plainest foods but obviously that's boring for everyone else.

Every night I have my shower, a 'just incase I go into labour tonight at least I'll be fresh and clean'. And every night the past few days I've been in tears.

In tears because I'm finding it all too much.

In tears because each day that goes by is another day I've had time to worry about everything.

In tears with the aches and pains that make life so difficult in the late stages of pregnancy.

In tears as this could still go on another 2 weeks yet.

I really hope my next post will be more cherry and with some happier news to share!!

When the weekend turns sour!

I had wanted to do a birthday post today seeing as it's been all 4 of ours the past few weeks, however despite a lovely weekend it's been tainted tonight and now I don't really feel like it :(

James went away with his whole family to Orlando yesterday, his brother lives out there and long story story he's ended up there too...

Sam's birthday was Friday but we didn't do much as he was a preschool all day, and then he just wanted to chill at home that night, then once he was in bed James packed up ready to leave at 4.30.

Alex woke that time in the morning and then got very upset, so ended up in bed with me the rest of the night, he finally fell asleep some time after 5am, but I had a very broken nights sleep, and Sam woke just before 7, although I managed to send him away until near 8 when Alex woke too.

It was a manic morning as I was planning Sam's party, I had cupcakes to bake and the house to tidy...also games to plan or finalise!

After lunch my brothers popped over with Sam's present (a cool Lightening McQueen rc car), and actually that was a big help as they stayed a while and played with the kids whilst decorated cakes, packaged an order up. Mum and Dad kindly offered us to eat at there's so at least I didn't have to worry about doing dinner that night too. Steak and chips as well so really yummy!

Once I got home it was a rush to get kids in bed, and then I started on any food prep I could do then and a big clean, balloon blowing and putting up, printing ninja turtle colouring sheets and games off...the lacking of energy and general free time has put stop to this in the past few weeks!

I didn't stop at all! James got off his flight just after 10.30pm and I think I went to bed about 11.30 when he rang shortly.

This morning I literally felt like I hadn't slept, you know when your eyes are throbbing so much before evening getting up! I did a quick breakfast and got on with the rest of the food, and fast clean up of the washing and once over with the bathrooms before the party at 10.30am, it went quite well, always a bit chaotic with so many bodies in the house as had most the mum's too, could have done with James' help too if I'm honest, have barely any photos as my phone was being used for music, as ever my Mum was super helpful today with the party. James calling at 11.30 wasn't exactly helpful-surely he remembered how manic house parties are!? Argh.

The rest of the afternoon was lovely and fairly relaxing too, Alec kept complaining of a pain, and did have lots of wind both ends but I just thought he'd had a busy weekend and also party food too. Got them both in the bath and out about 7pm to which Alex was really complaining, but more whining than anything else and he is a bit paranoid with aches and pains normally so will admit I got a bit angry with him. He kept saying he didn't want school and was missing James and crying so I thought it was all getting too much for him!

Unfortunately about 15 minutes after he was sick, and has been 3 times as I write this. Now anyone that knows me knows that sickness is a phobia off mine, I hate having to do with it and really freaked out.

Feel like such a bad mum as I got mad with Alex for missing the loo twice, and was having a panic/freak out attack blaming his father for being away, blaming him for not being by the loo and basically wondering how on earth to sort it all out in the process. I sent some horrible things to James' after and now he's not responded at all so I know I've annoyed him greatly!! Him not replying is making more stressed, and I now just can't wait for this whole week to be over :(

I've bleached the bathroom within an inch of it's death, my hands are dry from where I've washed them with weak bleach. I just can't help it though.

I just really hope that it is something that hasn't agreeed with him and not a bug as he was so close to so many of the party today, now in a predicament of whether to send a message around or just leave it and hope for the best.

So the weekend has well and truly ended on a sour note, I just hope that he gets better asap, if he sleeps all night I will be so pleased and grateful. If no one else gets ill that would be perfect!!

I hope every one else's weekend has gone a bit more swimmingly!

You know your a cyclist when...

So up until recently I had not ridden a bike in over 8 years, in fact that was only just on a week's holiday at a centre parcs in Holland, so I really haven't ridden properly since I was a teen.

That's had to change recently as some of you will be aware that I do not drive and Sam has now started preschool-which is by our house, not by Alex's school which is about a 20min walk away. So the only way to get between the two is by bike.

So we got my old bike from my parent's house (a boy's bike so my brother's could have it after me!) and bought a child seat for the back, I am about 3 weeks in and finally getting my balance and can finally go around the chicane at the end of the path!

Since becoming a part time, path cycling, cyclist I have noticed these things:

• People don't smile at you any more, even if it's another cyclist.
• You're not often let across the road unless unless someone if feeling particularly nice or you have another child with you.
• People like to judge and assume you're going too zoom past them when in actual fact I would always hold back and wait until there is room as I am just like that.
• People assume you to be rude and impatient.

• People see it fit to be rude to you: just this morning I was heading through the park by our house on the way to drop Sam off at preschool, I saw a mother and daughter with their dog in front of me, and a mum and pushchair coming the other way (who always smiles to me when I am walking-never even gives me a second glance on the bike). I slowed down and was happy just basically balancing behind the mother and daughter when a big gust of wind came and I said to Sam "wow that was windy wasn't it" to which the Mum heard me behind and got her daughter to try and move over, I was polite and said thank you and her reply "would help if you had a bell" and giving me a really filthy look. I was not zooming past, I was not rude, I was more than happy going slow until we would reach the end of the main path a mere 10M away, little does she know I have actually looked for a bell twice in our local Asda when the bike section has been near to empty. Little does she know, I actually wouldn't like coming up behind someone and ringing the bell, I'm happy just going slow for a bit. 

Argh sorry rant over, I just find it weird how people perceive you when you are on two wheels rather than on two feet. I'm just a mum getting my child to school like anyone else, there is no way I am confident enough to cycle on the road, and to be honest I wouldn't want to with a 3 year old on the back anyway, and anyhow it was a suitable bike path too! I just know that, that one comment said in the tone it was said in will play over in my mind all day now!

Do you cycle at all? Do you find that people see you differently than when you walk?

Anyway after a few weeks at preschool Sam is really enjoying himself which is fantastic, we only had tears once and that was more tiredness than anything else. I really hope he comes out of his shell a bit as he is very much like me in the sense of being shy with new people, but he seems to be getting on well and my fridge is now home to many paintings and drawings :)

A year on, the same feelings again

So here I am, a year on (minus two days) with the exact same feelings as this time last year.

The shaking. 

The raise and fall of my temperature.

The loss of appetite at every meal. Or the feeling of being ill soon after eating. 

The constant niggle of bad thoughts, and what ifs. 

The on and off dull achy pain in the pit of my stomach, churning and turning all the while. 

You must be reading this thinking and wondering what bad event or date must be coming up, but in actual fact it is very much the opposite of that. 

Tomorrow is a joyful and one of the most happy of occasions: my best friends wedding, on the same Saturday of the year that we got married last year, where she stood by me as one of my bridesmaids. 

So why do I feel these feelings now, and this past week?

Social anxiety, that's why. Ripping the fun out of a perfect day again. 

It's like my brain mixes up the feeling of excitement and turns it into a great big wrecking ball of nerves, crashing me down whenever I think I have picked myself back up again. 

It comes crashing down in waves, sometimes I can handle it, and other times I just can't cope, I want to run, to hide and to just think of any excuse not to go. 

But certain occasions you just can't do that, more so when you are a bridesmaid!!

I hope the big surge of nerves now is the worst of it, I hope that tomorrow, when I go to my friend of 21 years mother's house for hair and dressing up for the big day that I can't at least create some sort of barrier for the wrecking ball.  Hiding it from everyone there and not freaking out, I just need to get to the venue and then I will be ok, because nobody knows about all my pathetic fears and triggers apart from my husband, the bridal party don't need to know all this all on the morning of her wedding day. 

Rescue remedy will be dropped upon my tongue a lot tomorrow in a bid to at least calm me.  

This is all bringing back memories of how nervous I was before and on our wedding day last year-and I got through that-just wish my brain would catch up and make me feel like I will get through tomorrow no problems too! 

So here's to social anxiety, ripping the fun and excitement of yet another fun and amazing occasion-here's hoping for the next one you will politely p*** off! (excuse me)!

#BringBackRealSportsDays -An underwhelmed first primary school sports day

via

As you all know Alex is in  reception, and like many school this is sports day prime time.

I was really excited about it, I have to admit to being the kid at school who got excited about anything sport related as it was one of my big likes-and a chance to get away form the classroom!

Alex was excited too, now he doesn't go to any sports clubs as frankly we can't afford them so this was my chance to see him in some sporty action.

I even donned my trainers that morning just in case there was the all important Mum's race!

Now I arrived with my friend (whose boy is also in Alex's class), already it looked like nothing I remember our sports days being like.

There was a roped area in the middle of the field and activities set up around the edges. So basically all the parents were penned in like animals, desperately trying to get at the front to be able to see the children-which you first had to spot because they weren't going around in classes they were going in house groups of around 10 (KS1 and KS2 done separately)-cue lots of parents running around like blue arsed flies!

The roped area was just madness, especially with Sam's pushchair because
a. I nearly took everyone's ankles out
b. I couldn't follow Alex around well after every event as it was just chaos
c. Sam wanted to pull on the rope if we ever did make it to the front!
d. Some tall selfish Dad (I'm talking 6ft 3 plus) thought it would be great to get at the front every time and block a lot of the view for anyone trying to see behind him!

They had 5 minutes at each activity, now I thought that meant they had allowed enough time for it to be completed, but no they had to carry on doing that event until the 5 min whistle went off...I found this out after watching a bunch of 5-7 year olds stand behind one another passing a ball over their head, thinking that the first team that went full circle would sit down and be the winners and cheer-but no they carried on...and so we waited...

The kids were bored and and not even paying attention, in fact I spent most of those first 5 minutes watching one kid hold the ball above the head whilst the rest of line watched someone else, picked their nose or chat to the person behind them (the nose picker was embarrassingly my own)!

A few of the activities were quite underwhelming, we had to endure 5 minutes of them passing the ball through their legs with much the same result as passing it over their heads, try and watch 5 year olds skip with ropes that I thought looked far too small for even the shortest there, the dressing up race was a bit beyond some of them (including my son as the bibs they had to put on kept getting tangled up).

Now don't get me wrong there were some good activities too that were much more sporty, dribbling the ball, mini hurdles, putting/collecting bean bags from cones, dribble and hockey ball, the obligatory egg and spoon etc, but it is so hard to watch when there are no winners.

As a parent there really isn't much point in cheering, we all just spotted our child said well done 'insert name here', keep going team yellow...It really wasn't much fun and I was very underwhelmed.

And at the end of it they managed to pick a winner which I am very unsure of how they did it, unless KS2 had winners as of course I was only watching KS1. But my friend and I were a little baffled!

Now I remember at my old primary school even from the age of 4/5 in reception we had class events, and the winners would go to the headteacher in the middle of the school with a house colour tag in their hands and there would be 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place, each receiving a certain amount of points for their team, it would all be tallied up and there would be a big loud cheer for the winning team.

I don't remember there being many tears, people were happy, the children actually tried and wanted to win, the parents could actually cheer-and also be able to see and touch their own children without it being a problem! In fact we used to have a big picnic with the parents afterwards (or before I can't remember what time it was held) and stay in our P.E kits all day which is always a novelty at that ages-saved our parents having to worry about bringing the school uniform in too!

But this sports day there were no normal races on the track that was painted on the field. There were no parent races for the parents to get competitive over or the children to get excited and giggle over. There was no competitiveness, no cheers, no real excitement, no winners, no losers.

What sort of life lesson is that for children? Hell my two throw the biggest hissy fits when they loose a game at home, but I better they wouldn't so much at school. I think they need to learn they can't always be winners, that being a happy loser can be a good thing, that winning something you are good at can be euphoric.

There wasn't any chance for the sporty children to really succeed, and we all no that there is always at least one who may not be as academic but exceeds with sports. Where is their chance to shine? The academic children get it most days, sports day is just once a year...

Needless to say I left a bit flat and I am really hoping that there is a big change next year!

#BringBackRealSportsDays


Out of interest what are your children's primary school sports days like?

Why can't I play with my boys?

So I have a confession and it really isn't one I am proud of at all.

I suck, really, really suck at being a good Mum who finds time for and plays with my children.

I always wanted to be a fun Mum, making dens, crafting, dressing up and being silly.

Getting involved.

But I am not.

I am a Mum who is always making excuses, always craving 'me time', choosing a house job over playing (despite hating housework) sitting with them but not engaging properly with them, phone in hand usually, or laptop breaks when my mind wanders.

I am sure the words my son's hear most are "in a minute", "later", "we'll do it next day/week..." and how sad is that?

I am more than happy to watch, but I get bored playing the games with them (I am ready for the backlash of that comment as I am sure many people will say how can you), I find it hard to play the same game or push the same cards around over and over.

And yet, as much as I feel guilty I still so nothing about it. What does that say about me?

They are two very happy souls, who are currently playing great together as I type this. Crashing their noisy 4x4 cars into each other and collapsing into giggles, and instead of joining in I am sat watching.

I always had visions of being a fun mum, and I am sure I used to be more of one way back but why can't I be now?

I NEED to snap out of this!

Birthday (party) pooper. Is it selfish to want to feel special for a day?

So yesterday I turned 25. Yep quarter of a century, half way to 50, I know, I know.

Now if I am being honest I wasn't expecting a great deal, I know I wasn't going to get many surprises as knew a few items I was getting from mum and one from James. Due to moving this year we also aren't buying each other much too. That didn't really bother me though.

The morning itself started with Sam coming into our bed at 3am, kicked about for a bit before deciding he'd actually go back to his room. After tossing and turning for a while I went back to sleep for about an hour for him to come back in- I just started drifting back to sleep again before james' numerous alarms rang to wake him (and me!!) for work around 5am. I just got back to sleep 10 minutes before my alarms went off, cue tired mummy-great start to the day!

It got much better from then on though, Alex came in giving me one of his big squeezes before remembering it was my birthday and shouting it out, for Sam to follow suit and to do the same.
they had breakfast whilst I enjoyed opening the pile of cards whilst they sang happy birthday and told me they loved me-very cute. Especially upon opening their card in which Alex had drawn this for me...

It's us 4 in a double decker bus apparently :)

We did the normal school run whilst my phone happily beeped away in my pocket with birthday messages. Then it was a normal morning, I ate breakfast and enjoyed Sam, I even caught a cute video of him talking and singing happy birthday to me! (I'd love to share it but not 100% sure how to off my phone onto here!)

My youngest brother had a day off due to an exam so met him after lunch in the new Costa for a drink which was nice to break the day up. Then headed off to collect Alex & my brother kindly dropped us back too so no afternoon walk back int he cold-woo hoo!

Then the day just got boring, the kids squabbled, moaned for food, I was tired from lack of sleep and after changing the 3rd dirty, smelly nappy of the day from Sam I felt a bit flat. I was glad when mum popped over, as she was the only one who did all day.

I already knew I had no birthday cake, James said he was going to make one the night before but understandably was too tired and Sam refused bed until late that night when I was at netball. I can't remember the last time someone made me a birthday cake, or even 1 single cupcake which I would have been happy with. I try and make birthday cake for so many members of our family on their birthdays...

I was adamant I didn't want to cook so gave the boys leftover pasta bake from the night before and hoped something would be made or bought for me later....but that didn't happen and I ended up with McDonalds as my birthday dinner (after a bit of arguing as I wasn't being helpful in saying what I wanted, when really I didn't want to choose I just wanted something done for me as a treat)!! At least I had my favourite dessert I made the day before to enjoy afterwards. We did nothing special that evening just sat in front of the box, just like any other day...

I was down and moody, James tired from work and well I felt it was another birthday that I missed that special feeling, I don't mind not being showered in expensive gifts that doesn't bother me. I much prefer the effort someone has put in-not that I would say no to a lovely gift or course ;)

I just feel that I put so much effort into everyone else birthdays, just wish I had the same back, just once. I know I don't like eating out so that ruins the easiest thing to do on a birthday evening but just a nice home made meal would have done for me.

Apart from our wedding day I can't remember the last time I felt special, really special. I just hope that next year will be better, or am I just being selfish and asking too much? Is it too much to want one day of nice surprises/treats a year when you are a stay at home Mum with a husband who works silly hours?

Is my birthday doomed for the foreseeable future, it comes at the end of the month, before pay day at the most expensive time of the year-another problem we had this year is James had no money to even buy me a cake, and had to use my credit card to buy my birthday card and small gift from the boys (in a last minute dash to the supermarket the night before my birthday-nice last minute planning...)!

When I've been asked whether I had a nice day I haven't filled with excitement and smiled, I've just gone "it was ok, didn't really do much", maybe I am just feeling silly and selfish, but is it really so wrong to just have a day to feel great?

Ranty Friday- When charities just want more than you've got.

The other day I was just enjoying a leisurely wander around the shops, not intending to even spend anything as frankly my bank account is looking very sorry for itself since not going back to work.

I'd noticed the two people stood by their table in the entrance to the shop but I'd managed to avoid them-I had no idea who they were at that point but I hate talking to sales people so always try to avoid!

On the exit I had no such luck with avoiding them, they caught me and I had no way of escaping easily-I am terrible at saying no or making an excuse face-to-face, even Sam had stopped crying like he had been inside! The charity was one that I actually thought was quite a good one helping disabled children get into exercise and providing all the specialist equipment etc. 

But before she carried on talking to me I had to butt in and ask how much it was going to cost (as I have said my bank is very sorry for itself) I'd noticed there was no charity money pot, just a card machine on the table... 

She then produced a sheet which had special packs, the first starting from either £100 or £1000!? Which may well be possible for some people but they made me feel so guilty for not being able to even spare the £10 for the bottom pack. I'd love to help out some charities, but to be quite frank if I'd spent that £10 there and not in Asda we'd be without some food this week! 

So then I found myself explaining that I was still on maternity leave and money was tight, yet I felt their eye's staring at mine thinking 'but you walking around the shops', the matter of the fact is, if they'd had the old fashion money pot I probably would've handed over some change, like I am sure many other's would have rather than running out of the shop with excuses. 

Please tell me it's not just me that feels this way? Why should we always be made to feel the 'bad guy' when we can't help out?

Ranty Friday- media pressure on new Mum's

Before I start I apologise as I did touch on this in another post this week, but in infuriated me so much I thought I'd dedicate a whole post to it! I also can't believe I haven't joined in on Ranty Friday before, ranting is one of my pastimes ;)

After the nation, (actually probably the world) waited anxiously and excitedly at the Lindo Wing doors to get a glimpse of the new Prince the mood turned sour soon after, not at the Royals, but towards the media. 

OK! Magazine-yes we are all looking at you. 

I could not believe my eyes when I had read and seen the front cover that had been published 24 hours after Kate had given birth! I cannot for life of me understand how that even was allowed to be published, surely there are Mother's and Father's working for the magazine that must have thought it was a really big mistake, I sure hope that whoever signed it off and gave it the OK(!) faces the consequences. 

The media places so much pressure on us all these days, we're either too fat, too skinny, work too much, work too little and so on...but this pressure is immense particularly on females, and even more so on celebs. 

Personally I think that Kate looked fantastic despite giving birth about 27 hours beforehand! Yes she had, had her hair done, probably had the outfit planned for a while/had a helping hand with it, but the effort it must have been to actually get out of bed, put her tired, aching body in a dress and heels, having hair and make up done and then face all those reporters, photographers and public must have been the last thing she wanted to do. And the person on the OK! twitter put (now deleted I might add) "anyone else have a how many did she give birth to moment there?" REALLY!? 

To the idiot who wrote that you might like to know that actually it takes 9 months to make a baby, your body doesn't just all snap back into place as soon as the baby 'just pops out', the uterus actually has to actually shrink back...enough to make my blood boil the ignorance and stupidity of some people. 

New mum's are vulnerable, no matter if you are royal, a celeb, or a 'commoner', I wish the media would stop putting so much pressure on Mum's to loose their baby weight in an instant. It is far healthier for the Mum to focus on the baby and her mental and emotional well being, weight is not an issue until you make it one like articles like this do! I think most Mum's shouldn't focus on exercise too much after birth it's much more important to do pelvic floor exercises, and go out for walks with the pushchair if need be. Dieting after birth I think is ridiculous, your body needs the extra energy to get you through the hardest, longest days and nights in those first few weeks (possibly even months), particularly if breast feeding too.

I sure hope that Kate only does any weight loss regime on her terms, if and when she wants to, at the end of the day it's 9 months making a baby it should be 9 months to loose it...*looks at own 'Mummy tummy' thinking I only have a month and a half to shift it since having Sam* 

As for OK! Magazine, I never buy your todge anyway so cannot join in on the boycott but I sure hope you loose lots of readers from your stupidity. 

Prisoner in my own skin

The post title pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment, I feel this pregnancy is stopping me from doing so much, whether it be something big or a small day-to-day task.

I have 4 1/2 weeks to go, 33 days to be exact, which doesn't sound like much but to me it feels like an eternity at the moment. Despite not measuring up at my last midwife appointment I feel there is literally no room for my stomach to stretch any more and allow more room for baby, I feel HUGE even though everyone says how tiny my bump is. Lots of people keep telling me 'I must hide them well', since I was quite a similar shape/size with Alex and he came out at 7lb 10oz when we were told he'd be about 6lb! This might explain the extreme rib pain I keep getting on and off at the moment, when it is at it's worst I am in agony and nothing seems to soothe it. The pain is always on my right side on the bottom rib and wraps itself all the way around to the back, I have tried all sorts of sitting/lying positions and nothing stops it, I find it worse when it happens just before bedtime as getting comfy enough to be able to fall asleep is quite a task as it feels like my ribs are crushing me. If baby moves against it, it hurts so much that it stops me in my tracks, it feels so bruised. Quite often I am left with a numb, almost pins and needles feeling in the space between the rib cages too which just feels uncomfortable and freaks me out a little if I am honest.

Perhaps this explains why I am so breathless at the moment, perhaps the reason why I am measuring small is because I seem to 'hide' my baby somewhere in my ribcage instead of where it's supposed to be! I keep reading the weekly pregnancy emails and they all say that at this stage I should stop becoming so breathless however, I feel worse. I just feel like I can never get enough air in, and feel a bit like when you swim under water for ages and gasp for that first bit of air when your reach the surface. I don't know if this is part of the reason why I am so tired or not...

At 35+ weeks and a nearly 3 year old to look after I know I am bound to be tired, but I literally don't do anything unless I HAVE to. I don't drive so quick trips are never quick, Alex isn't the best walker at times, but he is heavy to push in the pushchair, but the pushchair provides a good support for me to lean on if we do venture out. I think even if I did drive I still wouldn't go out much, as I really don't think I would trust myself behind a wheel feeling like I do day after day. I feel this is really effecting Alex at the moment, he is so bored of being at home a lot, and it's effecting me too, I really want to get out, have a browse, do some Christmas shopping, a slow walk in the autumn air,but  my body just won't allow me. I love this time of year, but haven't been able to enjoy at all. I really wanted to be organised this year with everybody's presents, but because I haven't ventured out much at all this pregnancy I don't even have a stash of bargains I usually have.

I also ache so much, I don't remember getting this with Alex, but from much pelvis down everything aches, I can't stand up for long at all, I even had to sit down in the shower the other day because I couldn't take the pressure on my legs. Showers are my bit of sanctuary and my 10 minutes of peace and quite (if I am lucky) but now I can't even enjoy that. Because of this achyness I end up sat or led on the sofa which is driving me stir crazy because there is always something that needs to/could be done-my body just can't follow my mind.

I am getting so anxious about it all now, because I feel so low at the moment purely because I can't get things sorted that I want to (even the smallest tasks are a struggle) and don't feel ready for this baby in terms of how the house is at the moment. I am literally hoping that I am at least a week early, because I can't see me coping with the next 4 weeks very well, and I dread to think of going late (especially after having Alex 6 days early) I really don't want to be in at Christmas or New Years and any of the time in-between, I really want to be able to enjoy a nice Christmas dinner without rib ache, see the excitement Alex will be filled with around Christmas (last year he found it all a bit too much), and be a happier individual to live with than I am now.

If someone gave me a week to get our house in order and then said I could have this baby (some way or another) with no risk to baby I would take it without hesitation, after 8 months off feeling absolutely awful I just want it to be over. The only thing I have found positive throughout this pregnancy is the warm fuzzy feeling I get when baby moves (that don't hurt me), rubbing my bump, and Alex and James being cute with bump too.

I am so sorry for the rant, James is sick of me complaining, I feel I bore my Mummy friends with it, and my next midwife appointment isn't until Tuesday, where instead of pretending all is OK and well, I think I will be a bit more open about how I am feeling, last time I said I was fed up but didn't really extend on that...I feel better for getting in out on here though, at least I have vented a little.

Warning: grumpy hormonal post!

Recently I have been down in the dumps when left at home, I am fine when out a about (generally) but the day to day sitting around at home is really boring me!

I have had one of those weeks where everything I have tried to do around the house on our list of things to do just hasn't turned out how I had planned it too. We finally bought some wardrobes the other week from Ikea-massive flat packed ones that didn't quite fit James' Dad's van (thank goodness for bungee cords) and it has taken a while for James to get around to doing them/not avoid doing them. He 'forgot' his tools of several occasions and once the ones in our room were up it took over a week for him to move/sort out his old wardrobe due to being so busy at work. Alex's wardrobe is still resting against the hallway wall collecting dust and various objects that Alex chucks between the gaps-James and his brother were supposed to do it Tuesday and even bought the tools back from work-alas it never got done, in some ways I can't blame them as hiss brother does go back to America for about another year next week, but I was gutted as as James had promised it would be up!

Anyway Wednesday evening I was fed up of not being able to sort/do anything so I though 'why not start painting one of the lounge walls' it was only a touch up of the magnolia and I thought I'd be lucky and get away with doing one coat of paint like in our bedroom the other month, but I didn't want to use a big roller as they always hurt my arm after 5 minutes, so I thought I was being clever when I used a small roller...woke the next morning to find out that it wasn't the case at all, and was patchy as anything. When James came in from work Wednesday night he said "you must have been busy the last hour", I had been there for 2 wasted hours...fail! So I have decided that I should leave the majority of the painting to James now seeing as he can get it done in half the time and reach without a ladder-just got to wait for his day off now!

Thursday I finally got James to sort out his clothes/wardrobe things-can't believe how much stuff he didn't want/need (I nearly jumped for joy)! Anyway when he was out at work that evening I thought 'I know I'll move the chest of draws from Alex's room in there now'. We had measured the draws, and the hallway cupboard, and after dragging it a few feet and pushing it in to the right angle I then realised it wasn't going to be a tight fit, it just wasn't going to fit at all! We hadn't taken into account that for some strange reason the builders had put skirting boards in the cupboard-taking up the very much needed few centre-metres I needed! So I dragged it back into Alex's room, and pushed it into place when I heard a big crack...my knee had gone through one of the pieces of cheap wood (the chest of draws are quite solid, just not the bits that fill in the gap between the draws), I just wanted to kick myself as they were in really good condition!

So then I thought 'Oh our old bedside units will fit nicely in there' not learning from my mistake before I just went ahead and took the draws out dragged one in and then thought, crap they aren't going to fit side by side either (again only a few centre-metres in it! So they are now on top of one another, which is not ideal but I am thinking, light stuff on the top one heavy in the bottom and there shouldn't be a problem! Thankfully the door to the cupboard doors ticks so little ones can't get in anyway.

I now have bags of rubbish, bags for charity shops, bags that I can't remember are for charity or rubbish dotted around the house and making it look messy, but will have to wait for James to have a free hour for us to get to the dump-no point in doing that until the Alex's cupboard is up though! Once the dump run is done the garage needs a sort out to put some of the un-needed furniture in, however our garage is more of James' parents at the moment as it holds a lot of their stuff as they currently don't have one, but it's all stacked on top of each other in a dangerous looking mess rather than in some order (which drives me crazy as I think I have some OCD about everything having it's place when it comes to storage)

Despite having a rubbish time in town a few weeks ago I thought I'd give it another go, I desperately needed to get some smartish maternity wear for work Sunday as they have put me on shop floor...could I find any smart trousers that didn't cost the earth with pockets anywhere...no, could I find a plainish black or white top anywhere in my size...no, could I find a shop a shop with maternity wear in the first place...not really! It didn't help that the lift was broken in New Look so had to faff about with getting the pushchair down the steps. As always Alex came back with something, a bargain pair of denim shorts in H&M for £3 to tuck away for next year! We then tried Matalan and Mothercare once James had finished college, I was tired at the point and when I couldn't find anything/things in my size I was actually close to tears-something that seems to happen very easily at the moment! I ended up buying clothes down the road from us, black skinny trouser that will hopefully be smart enough, and a top that isn't black or white but I will hopefully get away with as I'm pregnant, that was £30 I really didn't want to part with  I don't get to spend that on myself on clothes when I am not pregnant! Fingers crossed work won't have a problem with it-I am getting myself worked up over it.  I thought I might have a look out for some Christmas and Birthday gifts too, but couldn't find a thing!

And to top it off, I have really gone of the one girls name we liked and agreed on this week, so we are now down to 0 names on the girls and boys list!!

Getting very stressed out now I really don't feel organised for this baby what-so-ever, James still thinks we have plenty of time, but I am panicking that we don't, I need that new cupboard up so I can get the baby stuff down from the loft, have a good sort out, get the crib down and find out what sheets I need to buy for it. I need to buy bottles and nappies sometime (because you never know it could come early you just don't know), start getting some things together for a maternity bag, and babies bag and just generally see what else we may need to get, as I can't really remember what we do/don't have. At least we have decided on the travel system now and will hopefully be making that purchase soon, we are going to go for the cheaper Graco one, it seems to have everything we need, it's very similar to the one we have already which we have never had problems with, and it's in our price range.

I just need a bit of magic to get this place sorted before baby, preferably a month before baby if possible as it's really dragging my mood down, I'm getting fed up of wanting to do so much and not having the energy, or physically being able to do it because of baby bump. I also don't want to nag James too much as he works so much at the moment, but some days when I only see him for an hour or so the day can seem very long with a toddler (especially one who is becoming a nightmare at going to bed)!

Sorry for yet another rant, I needed to vent to relieve some stress!

Anxiety-it's not just my life it's wrecking right now

I'm struggling, not going to lie I just feel like I am failing at the moment. I feel like such a rubbish Mum at the moment, I have barely been out with Alex the last few weeks unless it's been in the company of James, I can't even look at raw food, let alone cook it at the moment, so have been feeding him quickie crappy meals which I hate seeing him eat on a day to day basis, every day I sit sit on the sofa the majority of the day looking at what should be done, what I could be doing and watching my gorgeous little boy growing up and seeing his imagination come to life...but when he asks me to 'come on mummy' I have no get up and go, there's just no energy in me. It kills me, I miss playing with him, going on walks down the road etc. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling sick day in day out and not giving my child the best of what he needs. And that's just the physical child I have in front of me, I also feel I am a failing Mum to our unborn child, I've lost nearly a stone in weight, I can eat barely anything, and if I can it takes me hours to eat the tiniest bit, even though I want to devour the whole thing, what on earth is my baby getting, certainly not anything very nutritious. I can't even swallow the tiny tablet of folic acid I am supposed to take every day because it makes me gag and then because of that I'm physically ill (sorry TMI)!

And then I hate being a crap failing partner, James has been so good to me recently, really understanding and helping where he can (he doesn't put his dirty washing away or rubbish in the bin but we'll get there ;) he works so hard at the moment, he's in the building trade so has a very physical job, and then goes out some week nights working in the restaurant, he must be shattered and yet he has to come home a pick up some of the pieces every day, and I think it's starting to grate on him. He shouldn't have to do it all.

And to top it all of my anxiety is back, and it feels like it's back bigger than ever before, I got it last time I was pregnant, shut myself off from the world apart form work and at the start the end of a college course, I saw friends as little as I could get away with. This time that is much harder to do though, with an active two year old, going to a toddler group once a week and then meeting and sometimes hosting a group of NCT friends I can't avoid it all even though I want to. I am already making excuses up all the time, I am scared to go out without James there with me and I don't really know why and I wish I knew. I am also scared because after having Alex my anxiety really got bad when I wasn't in control of where I was going, I HAD to walk to places to calm myself down before going, and if my friends where coming to mine I would get myself in such a panicked state and wouldn't feel 'right' until they had left or had been there a length of time, and I just know/think I am going to get that back this time around, it hadn't completely left me but I could cope better with certain people and I don't want it to get worse again. It's like I just can only focus on how I am feeling right now and anything else is too much/takes too much from me.

3 of my NCT friends had/are pregnant with their second children and all seem to be coping well, they still host the meet ups, they still make the meet ups and get on with all their other daily tasks pretty much perfectly fine, so why can't I be like that and like millions of other women out there, why am I like this and what on earth can I do to make my brain stop working over time and worrying for the sake of worrying?

I am so sorry for the depressive, ranting post. I just had to tell someone and get it all out, because I just feel I am ruining my families lives right now...

I think I need a miracle...!

For those of you that don't know I am about 8 weeks pregnant. I rang the Doctors a couple of days after I found out about 3 weeks ago, no luck then as they were changing the appointment system and told me to ring after the 10th of May, yep you heard right! Surely if you if change a system in a Doctors surgery you would have some sort of temporary one in place! Also I got told things have changed and you don't see the Doctor any more you see the midwife at 8 weeks...they made me feel rather stupid for asking for a Doctors appointment!

Because I had/have been feeling VERY rough and I had my only working day Sunday of two weeks running (a grande total of 8 hours) my work told me I had to get hold of a Doctor's note...really for 8 whole hours off for morning sickness?! I walked into the surgery and actually managed to get an appointment later on that day (which I was very surprised at). The Doctor was ok, but for some reason I always find them a bit patronising (sorry if there are any Doctors reading this-it's nothing personal)! He didn't check my blood pressure, didn't really ask too much about how I was feeling just took my word for it, I was hoping to get some anti sickness tablets but no :( when he filled out the sickness form he actually asked me how long I wanted off which I was very shocked at, and also asked if I was planning on going back...as if I was some sort of person who just wanted to skive off! He gave me some iron with folic acid tablets, which I didn't think anything of, however a week after using them I have realised it says not to take them before 13 weeks of pregnancy...admittedly I should have read it properly the day I took them, but I misread the packaging so now I am worrying about that! He told me to book a Doctors appointment to basically say I am pregnant (not sure why he couldn't do it there and then) so even he didn't know things have changed there! So after the appointment I went to the desk and asked to book a Doctors antenatal appointment...got told it was a midwife appointment again, felt stupid again.

She then explained the whole crappy booking system being changed, again, and told me to ring Monday, obviously this Monday was bank holiday fair mistake, rang today and couldn't get through as line were busy. Finally got through, rubbish phone line could barely make out what she was saying, told that I can't book today and to ring tomorrow or Thursday!

Argh why is it so difficult for them to all be told the same thing, so I don't feel like I am going from pillar to post! Surely it doesn't take THAT long to change a system over! All I want is my first appointment soon to check everything is ok, to check whether in fact it is ok to be taking the medication given by a Doctor and the pharmacist even though the instructions say different, and to get on the systems as being pregnant because at this rate I won't be getting my 12 week scan at 12 weeks!

I am so sorry for yet another grumpy rant, just a bit fed up...and hormonal (yes I am using that excuse already)!

Hopefully I will get a bit cheery sometime soon ;)