Thursday, 15 November 2012

Prisoner in my own skin

The post title pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment, I feel this pregnancy is stopping me from doing so much, whether it be something big or a small day-to-day task.

I have 4 1/2 weeks to go, 33 days to be exact, which doesn't sound like much but to me it feels like an eternity at the moment. Despite not measuring up at my last midwife appointment I feel there is literally no room for my stomach to stretch any more and allow more room for baby, I feel HUGE even though everyone says how tiny my bump is. Lots of people keep telling me 'I must hide them well', since I was quite a similar shape/size with Alex and he came out at 7lb 10oz when we were told he'd be about 6lb! This might explain the extreme rib pain I keep getting on and off at the moment, when it is at it's worst I am in agony and nothing seems to soothe it. The pain is always on my right side on the bottom rib and wraps itself all the way around to the back, I have tried all sorts of sitting/lying positions and nothing stops it, I find it worse when it happens just before bedtime as getting comfy enough to be able to fall asleep is quite a task as it feels like my ribs are crushing me. If baby moves against it, it hurts so much that it stops me in my tracks, it feels so bruised. Quite often I am left with a numb, almost pins and needles feeling in the space between the rib cages too which just feels uncomfortable and freaks me out a little if I am honest.

Perhaps this explains why I am so breathless at the moment, perhaps the reason why I am measuring small is because I seem to 'hide' my baby somewhere in my ribcage instead of where it's supposed to be! I keep reading the weekly pregnancy emails and they all say that at this stage I should stop becoming so breathless however, I feel worse. I just feel like I can never get enough air in, and feel a bit like when you swim under water for ages and gasp for that first bit of air when your reach the surface. I don't know if this is part of the reason why I am so tired or not...

At 35+ weeks and a nearly 3 year old to look after I know I am bound to be tired, but I literally don't do anything unless I HAVE to. I don't drive so quick trips are never quick, Alex isn't the best walker at times, but he is heavy to push in the pushchair, but the pushchair provides a good support for me to lean on if we do venture out. I think even if I did drive I still wouldn't go out much, as I really don't think I would trust myself behind a wheel feeling like I do day after day. I feel this is really effecting Alex at the moment, he is so bored of being at home a lot, and it's effecting me too, I really want to get out, have a browse, do some Christmas shopping, a slow walk in the autumn air,but  my body just won't allow me. I love this time of year, but haven't been able to enjoy at all. I really wanted to be organised this year with everybody's presents, but because I haven't ventured out much at all this pregnancy I don't even have a stash of bargains I usually have.

I also ache so much, I don't remember getting this with Alex, but from much pelvis down everything aches, I can't stand up for long at all, I even had to sit down in the shower the other day because I couldn't take the pressure on my legs. Showers are my bit of sanctuary and my 10 minutes of peace and quite (if I am lucky) but now I can't even enjoy that. Because of this achyness I end up sat or led on the sofa which is driving me stir crazy because there is always something that needs to/could be done-my body just can't follow my mind.

I am getting so anxious about it all now, because I feel so low at the moment purely because I can't get things sorted that I want to (even the smallest tasks are a struggle) and don't feel ready for this baby in terms of how the house is at the moment. I am literally hoping that I am at least a week early, because I can't see me coping with the next 4 weeks very well, and I dread to think of going late (especially after having Alex 6 days early) I really don't want to be in at Christmas or New Years and any of the time in-between, I really want to be able to enjoy a nice Christmas dinner without rib ache, see the excitement Alex will be filled with around Christmas (last year he found it all a bit too much), and be a happier individual to live with than I am now.

If someone gave me a week to get our house in order and then said I could have this baby (some way or another) with no risk to baby I would take it without hesitation, after 8 months off feeling absolutely awful I just want it to be over. The only thing I have found positive throughout this pregnancy is the warm fuzzy feeling I get when baby moves (that don't hurt me), rubbing my bump, and Alex and James being cute with bump too.

I am so sorry for the rant, James is sick of me complaining, I feel I bore my Mummy friends with it, and my next midwife appointment isn't until Tuesday, where instead of pretending all is OK and well, I think I will be a bit more open about how I am feeling, last time I said I was fed up but didn't really extend on that...I feel better for getting in out on here though, at least I have vented a little.


5 comments:

  1. Sounds horrid :( Have you tried the "cat shaking its tail" position? Get on all fours, shake your "tail" and rotate your hips. This should move baby a bit - plus looks (and feels) hilarious, so will make you giggle! Especially if OH is in the room!

    Never be afraid to be honest to your midwife - that's what they're there for. You'll feel better, and hopefully reassured, chatting to a professional about it. She might be able to suggest some other positions or tricks to try as well :)

    Keep smiling and try to concentrate on the baby that will be joining you soon :) Not long to go!
    xxx

    ps ask about whether, if it came to induction, you could be induced before Christmas so you're not spending Christmas in hospital. I asked at my 36 week appointment yesterday and was told it would be possible.

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    1. No I haven't perhaps I should try that later to get some giggles!
      I know I am terrible at opening up to people in those sort of situations-I have a long list of things to ask/say and end up not saying much or playing it down a lot oops!

      Oh really, that's handy to know I just assumed they would do it whenever so will have to ask what they are likely do as a week over due would be Christmas eve and two weeks obviously New Years eve (very badly timed haha). I guess it depends how busy the wards etc are too! xx

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    2. i love the idea of the cat thing! and even if it doesnt work at least it gives you something to smile about! :)

      really sad to read this, sorry you are suffering :( big *but gentle* hugs!!

      xxx

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  2. Oh honey, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you're really going through it physically. It can be exhausting, and it just saps your strength to do anything else. I know exactly how you feel about Alex, I have felt the same about Pip. He has spent far too much time watching TV and I feel so guilty about it.

    I agree with the comment above, be honest with the midwife - it might be you can get some physio to help with the pain/aching.

    I remember feeling very fed up at about 35/36 weeks but things did actually get better, I think when the baby drops down abit, it does give you a bit more room and a bit more energy.

    Big Hugs. Hang on in there. It will all be worth it in the end :0) x

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    1. I feel really bad about Alex because I feel the TV seems to be constantly on, and like you say feel very guilty about that.

      Maybe the 35/36 weeks is that 'brick wall' moment, I have had a rotten cold the past week so that probably hasn't helped my mood! Can't weight for baby to drop, hope you have been feeling ok.

      Thanks :) xx

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Thanks for taking the time to comment :)

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