A year on, the same feelings again

So here I am, a year on (minus two days) with the exact same feelings as this time last year.

The shaking. 

The raise and fall of my temperature.

The loss of appetite at every meal. Or the feeling of being ill soon after eating. 

The constant niggle of bad thoughts, and what ifs. 

The on and off dull achy pain in the pit of my stomach, churning and turning all the while. 

You must be reading this thinking and wondering what bad event or date must be coming up, but in actual fact it is very much the opposite of that. 

Tomorrow is a joyful and one of the most happy of occasions: my best friends wedding, on the same Saturday of the year that we got married last year, where she stood by me as one of my bridesmaids. 

So why do I feel these feelings now, and this past week?

Social anxiety, that's why. Ripping the fun out of a perfect day again. 

It's like my brain mixes up the feeling of excitement and turns it into a great big wrecking ball of nerves, crashing me down whenever I think I have picked myself back up again. 

It comes crashing down in waves, sometimes I can handle it, and other times I just can't cope, I want to run, to hide and to just think of any excuse not to go. 

But certain occasions you just can't do that, more so when you are a bridesmaid!!

I hope the big surge of nerves now is the worst of it, I hope that tomorrow, when I go to my friend of 21 years mother's house for hair and dressing up for the big day that I can't at least create some sort of barrier for the wrecking ball.  Hiding it from everyone there and not freaking out, I just need to get to the venue and then I will be ok, because nobody knows about all my pathetic fears and triggers apart from my husband, the bridal party don't need to know all this all on the morning of her wedding day. 

Rescue remedy will be dropped upon my tongue a lot tomorrow in a bid to at least calm me.  

This is all bringing back memories of how nervous I was before and on our wedding day last year-and I got through that-just wish my brain would catch up and make me feel like I will get through tomorrow no problems too! 

So here's to social anxiety, ripping the fun and excitement of yet another fun and amazing occasion-here's hoping for the next one you will politely p*** off! (excuse me)!

More than just wedding jitters

This past week or so I have been an emotional wreck. Well more of one than I usually am anyway!

I've tried to keep myself busy with lots of makes, I still have a fair bit to do but I feel I have flat lined.

My nerves are taking control of me taking a hold of everything I do.

I wake in the mornings with that twisted stomach feeling, a mix of butterflies, I can't eat.

Thanks to the advice of others I went to by some rescue remedy from Boots the day of my hen do.

I'd been anxious of it from the day before, I sprayed the remedy onto my tongue and for that afternoon up until half an hour before the party I was fine, hurrah it worked!

But then the party got closer, my nerves cranked up, I paced the floors, numerous trips to the bathroom, I regretted eating dinner as I could feel it in my stomach. Deep breathes.

The party wasn't even anything too elaborate, it was a party with a group of friends at my parent's house, so why was I so nervous?!

Once the guests arrived I was fine, but I made sure not to eat much or drink much, I even managed to keep ok when all eyes were on me in a slightly embarrassing Mr and Mrs quiz my mum had done!!

I was ok. it was fun, everyone was having a laugh, particularly making wedding dresses out of toilet roll! I was so thankful to mum for all the effort she had put in.

I never drink alcohol when out, it always makes me feel a bit ill, but I thought I would be fine with a weak wine and lemonade combo, half an hour later when everyone was starting to leave I just had this wave of nerves come over me.

I just wanted to get home, I was pacing Mum's house, I tried to help tidy but the smell of any food made my stomach curl.

Then when my brother finally came back from our house to take me home, within minutes I was ok again, as soon as I was home I back to being me and feeling normal.

So I slightly absolutely petrified about how I will be come wedding day.

I hate going in other people's cars, so getting to the church is going to be my worst nightmare, especially with my Dad who doesn't get that my nerves are more anxiety. (in fairness no one really knows but James).

Mum and Dad just tell me to get on with it, stop being so silly, but they just don't get it...

I think I will spend the 15 minute journey trying to gag or physically be sick, and I am not joking, the amount of nerves for the day + being in someone else's car is going to be a bad combination!

Waiting behind those church doors, waiting to go in and see all eyes on me, on me in a nervous state, on me trying to be ill in panic, fills me with dread.

I am hoping I will be ok once being my James' side, he truly is the only person who has a calming affect on me in these situations.

I am also not looking forward to the speeches, I don't do well with eating when out, so doubt I will eat much at all knowing the speeches are on their way. And the speeches themselves, I hope I don't get that overwhelming sensation of just getting out of there.

If it all gets too much, perhaps I can hide in our hotel room which is a 5 minute walk away...

Any tips of how I can overcome any of these thoughts and feelings over the next 5 days?? I have rescue remedy but to be honest I don't think it did a great deal the other day, so doubting it will come Saturday.

Wedding Nightmare

It's official I woke early this morning after having a wedding nightmare. 

To be fair I am quite surprised I've gone on this long without having one!

And in some ways it was good I did as James' alarm hadn't gone off an hour before like it should have done so at least got to work sort of on time, at least more than he would had we both been asleep!!

So back to the nightmare...

We were in a rush so didn't get to do everything we needed to outfit-wise, I was fine however the boys only had the top half of their suits on and rubbish old trousers. 

For some reason I didn't have James' uncle pick me up in his car (like we have planned), and we all bundled into my Mum's twingo...a 4 seater car so I was just balancing in the middle of the boy's car seat seats whilst Mum and Dad were in the front. 

We then couldn't park in the field (we don't have parking in a field for ours), so drove near the church to discover the wedding before us was still on. 

For some reason James came out to tell me this so I then I bashed him round the head so lovingly with my bouquet calling him a d**k for coming out to see me!

Hours passed with guests arriving late and not really caring. 

Then it was time to go in, the order of service's hadn't been printed out so some lady was handing out really bad single hymn sheets with party invite style backgrounds on them (perhaps this is due to me needing to print these out still)!

I got in and my dad was in a dressing gown not suit, my Mum had her dress but had awful shoes with it not the lovely deep pink ones to match her bag!

It wasn't our vicar, it was this fat man on his phone, in some old dirty top. 

My Nan sat next to me talking and doodling on paper (this is probably because I was doing this yesterday with her organising the flowers for the tables).

And to top it all off it was really dark so our photographer was really annoyed he couldn't get the shots he wanted in the garden.

... 

I then woke up!

I think I have too much wedding on the brain!!

It's been all stations go this week, Mum and I marzipanned and iced the fruit cake ready (as our cake maker messed us about!!). I have decorated over 20 jars and bottles for table decorations, I've made the bulk of the table plan, a card sign, sorted the table flowers out and chased up my wedding dress maker (who I haven't heard from in 2 weeks so was getting a little worried)! Alas it is made and I should be getting it this week. 

Song lyrics, Hessian and washi tape!

Hand painted bottles wrapped with twine with air dried clay hearts

Sorry it's the wrong way around but you get the idea! All names hand stamped and tags made to match our invites

Hand painted card sign

Mock up of wedding table centre pieces, with some of the wrong colour flowers-was just for a rough idea using flowers we already had

Deep breaths, it will all be ok, it has to be! I NEED my nerves and anxieties to stay at bay on the day getting quite worried about that! Any tips or remedies!?

Social Anxiety and planning a wedding

You may have seen my very honest post on how I have been feeling the last few months the other week, well since that post I have been feeling slightly better, like I have got it off my chest a bit. Because of that I admit I haven't made a GP appointment like I told myself I would (I know...)

Today I wanted to say how planning a wedding has brought up my anxiety a lot more

Heightened stress:
It's no lie, wedding planning is hard! Trying to keep the peace between the 2 sets of parents in terms of their ideas and yours (you just can't please everyone), the all consuming wedding thinking (it's impossible to switch off), sleepless nights over bridesmaid or wedding dress (I'll be honest I have many of these the past few months)!

Wedding dress shopping:
Instead of the bubble of excitement most women get, I was filled with dread stepping over the threshold of bridal shops not eating beforehand because I was too nervous. Getting near enough naked in front of a women you met 2 minutes ago. The awkward moment you know you can't afford anything but are trying dresses on anyway, the sales pressure, the awkward goodbye.

Meeting new people:
I hate meeting new people, especially if I have to do the talking. I spent one meeting at our venue just trying to focus on not throwing up due to nerves, talking was a bit of a struggle! After going to the wedding fayre there the other day it made the meeting we had with our marquee man a lot easier for me, for once I had no nerves, maybe because I didn't have any for the day of the wedding fayre? I don't know.

The hen do:
I still have no hen do planned, despite it only being 2 months to the wedding. I can't think of anything than going out for a meal or drinking with friends and family. I just don't think my nerves could cope with it, I don't want to miss out on not doing anything though...

Worrying about would could happen:
The thing I worry about most is walking down that isle with all eyes on me, I am dreading it. I am worried the nerves will make me ill or faint (due to being too nervous to drink and eat much). I just hope I manage to get my vows out, James seems to have a calming effect on me so fingers crossed. Also worrying about the car ride too, I hate going in other peoples cars in fear of being ill!

Social anxiety and me

You may have noticed there haven't been too many posts about our impending wedding as yet, well that's partly because I just am not enjoying the stress of organising it all, particularly because it is bringing up some horrible feelings for me.

I am out of my comfort zone, completely and utterly lost.

I don't really cope well with stress.

I don't really enjoy social gatherings that I have to organise.

Meeting new people, speaking on the phone, organising dates to meet friends and family is something I mentally find hard.

This wedding planning is bringing out lots of insecurities that I usually manage to suppress or avoid by not putting myself into a situation I know it will occur.

I have never been to the doctor about any of my anxieties over the past, I think family who know I get this just assume I am an extremely nervous person, so I guess I tell myself that to. I mean there is nothing physically wrong with me after all...

But the other day I found this when searching the symptoms I get and I think I have finally found what I have: Social Anxiety Disorder, and I think this is something I have lived with my whole life.

As a child :
Fear going to school and participate in class-I used to feel sick before the first day of school, in fact I was the year returning to school in Y1, but throughout my school life the odd day I would get unusually nervous for no real reason. Once there I was generally ok, but dreaded the times I had to talk out loud, answer on the spot etc.

As a teen and adult: The dreading of everyday activities such as:

• meeting strangers-I feel physically sick before meeting strangers, particularly if I am meeting them alone. Recently I have almost had panic attacks about it. 

• talking in groups or starting conversations- I have always hated this, always known for being the shy one, but it has grown into much, much more. I worry about what I say, if we are writing down things I worry about my awful spelling, I never know what to say and generally just feel a bit awkward.

• speaking on the telephone-I have never called a friend unless it's it for a quick "I'm running late" or "are you still coming", I cannot stand talking on the phone. When I used to work in a shop I would always let it go to answer phone to see what they wanted before ringing back afterwards. Only before ringing back I would get a ball of nerves, I pace, I go over and over every scenario before hitting that call button. It's the same if someone I don't expect to call, calls me, I'll wait until they leave a message or a text. 

• talking to authority figures- Going back to work, any and every call to the office for just a general meeting would leave me fidgety, panicking, and anxious, I'd get that horrible claggy mouth, and go all hot and sweaty. 

• working-before the boys I found work ok, on the odd occasion I might have got a bit nervous, but since having the boys I would dread work. For some reason I would panic about feeling and being sick (think this was brought on by all the sickness I had when pregnant with the boys) and one thing I get when feeling nervous is the feeling of being sick which doesn't help! 

• eating or drinking with company-I don't totally remember this but in part of my first year at school I didn't eat with anyone-I was too nervous to sit in the hall with all the others (my Mum didn't like this so as soon as she found out I was back in the main hall with everyone else) I do however remember coming home and eating all the lunch I left because of only nibbling at it at lunch time, and never get my lunch play! I remember any party, or any visit to a friends house I would dread meal time, and not really eat, and any mouthful I did eat I chewed round and round in my mouth and made myself swallow it. Now though, I am no different, I can't enjoy a meal out with friends, have a romantic meal with James, because by anxieties make me feel sick, I get hot and I panic I am going to be ill in front of everyone (as a teen I was ill outside of restaurants a few times because of this nervous 'thing'), yet eating outside I am usually fine... 

• going shopping- I hate shopping with other people, I'd much rather go in by myself do what I need to do and get out of there! The only person I like going out shopping for the day with is Mum.
• Low self esteem- I've never had confidence, I'd love to be one of those bold people, but put me in a situation where I am supposed to have an opinion, or take charge I shy away, I think this also plays a big part in the fear of the workplace.
• Fear being criticised- I don't take criticism well, I never have, not sure if this is actually my anxiety this time mind you, more of a personality trait!
• Avoid eye-to-eye contact- I have noticed recently that I don't hold conversations well, not only in the vocal way but also in the physical way, I really struggle keeping eye-to-eye contact whilst have proper conversations with people, not general chit chat, I am always ruffling the boys hair, looking where the boys are and if they aren't there I really struggle!
• Misuse drugs or alcohol to try and reduce anxiety-now thankfully I don't do this, but I can see why others would.

So I pretty much tick every box, so where do I go from here? 

Now I have a title, a name to put this thing that people think is all in my head, and yes I guess it is all in my head, but how do I stop it? 

How can I be who I want to be? How can I live a normal life without out this cloud hanging over me in certain situations?

The end of a parenting era

So the time has come, the time that I knew we be upon us soon. Our NCT meet ups are no more...

I was sort of hoping that it might last until the 6 big ones (who are all almost 4) went to school next year but sadly our Friday meet ups at our houses have become ditched rather abruptly today.

The last 3 weeks have been especially mad, with six 4 year olds, and five under 2's it is utter chaos, long gone are the days when us 6 Mum's could enjoy a natter over a cuppa and some cake, in it's place we are left with toys strewn all over the house, children jumping in and out of beds and emptying the bedroom's contents, cake crumbs trodden into carpet and battle upon battle over toys, and child related disagreements. The aftermath of recent meet ups is a house full of mess and in my case an afternoon being knackered on the sofa wondering why I bothered to clean my house so well the day before!

It really is such a shame, we have met every Friday for the last 4 years, these 5 other ladies have been with me from the start of my parenting journey, a journey where at first I felt scared and lonely having no friends in the same position as me. I can honestly say I think without them I may have fallen down the road of depression, I would have become a recluse, I wouldn't have gone to any of the baby groups I went to, I certainly wouldn't have eased the severe anxiety I hid after having Alex.

Obviously we will still meet up, we are still planning to catch up every few weeks but at soft play and a local park, the only problem being for me is that I don't drive and have no easy way of getting to any of these places due to the buses going no where near to them! So I know that I will be unable to go and catch up many weeks. And yes we are planning to go out for girls nights like the Dad's try to every month, but that is one side of my anxiety I have sadly not been able to ease, when I am out without my partner or children as my crutches my anxiety really comes out to play. Since we booked a night out last week in our diaries it has played on the back of my mind, I am instantly thinking of what excuse I could use that I haven't before, even though it isn't until the 23rd-how wrong is that? I'd love to be able to look forward to a night out with the girls rather than dread it.

I guess tonight I am just feeling a little bit glum, these are the only people I see on a regular basis, I no longer feel I can go to the children's group I went to as Alex is just too big, I can't afford to book into term bookings of any other groups, so I am just feeling a little lost. They all have other close friends that they see regularly, me and James don't really, we don't have a group of friends we meet with from school or college. We each have a couple of friends we see once every few months, that's it.

That's it.
The end of a parenting era

Am I stressed?

I'm not going to lie, I'm not exactly the most relaxed person.

I can lose my temper quite fast, and can have quite a short fuse.

I am also a worrier, I am pretty much constantly worrying about some thing or another.

On top of James working pretty much every hour of the week and the arrival of Sam  I have found simple day to day tasks are getting on top of me, some days/weeks I can be fine, others not quite so.

Last week James said he was going to start a 3rd job doing take away deliveries Tuesday and Friday evenings, meaning we'd  only get Monday evenings and a few hours together on Saturday and Sunday. I think this is what tipped me over the edge.

Especially as the reason is because he's got to pay off some money which I didn't even know he still had to pay as I thought it had been sorted ages ago...apparently he'd been thinking his pay would go up from his main job with his parents (but we won't go into that).

I have been so worried this week too as my period was (and still is late), so worried I took a test which luckily is negative. As much as I think I'd love another child, I just don't think I could right now, I'm not ready, our house is too small, and financially we couldn't afford another either. Also I'd be annoyed as we have been safe (sorry too much info)!

But now I am worrying whether that was a true result, as I have never been this late before, even though we have been safe I am still paranoid it has failed us. But typically the more I worry the more likely I will be late!

Tonight I looked at symptoms of stress and I have more of the symptoms than I thought I'd have:

Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms
Cognitive Symptoms	Emotional Symptoms
Memory problems Inability to concentrate Poor judgement Seeing only the negative Anxious or racing thoughts Constant worrying	Moodiness Irritability or short temper Agitation, inability to relax Feeling overwhelmed Sense of loneliness and isolation Depression or general unhappiness
Physical Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Aches and pains Diarrhea or constipation Nausea, dizziness Chest pain, rapid heartbeat Loss of sex drive Frequent colds	Eating more or less Sleeping too much or too little Isolating yourself from others Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Source

I have been eating so much more these last few months, I'm quite pessimistic, feeling lonely, overwhelmed, always procrastinate rather than do, always anxious, and my memory and concentration is awful these days.

I also have a stubborn patch of eczema on my hand that seems to be getting worse rather than better-which I also have found can be related to stress.

Tonight was the most stressed I have felt for a long time, a teething Sam all day, screaming most the afternoon, then I put the boys in the bath and could hear it pouring out onto the floor- our bath crack finally gave in-just before James was going out with his brothers and Dad which he never gets a chance to do. I got the biggest stomach ache afterwards which I am also sure was down to stress.

I'm giving it a week before I book an appointment I think, but hate the doctors with a passion, I never feel I can properly talk to them and always forget what I am going to say. But definitely need to get second opinion.

In meantime, how do you like to de-stress and relax?

Socially awkward

Socially awkward is probably a good way to say how I am.

Sweaty palms, pulse racing, sentences and words bouncing around in my head of what to say, tiny squeaky voice... this is how I am when I am nervous, but it's not really something I should be getting nervous about.

I am pretty rubbish at holding conversations with people I don't know very well, I am rubbish at face to face confrontation. I dread having to ring people, I'm hesitant when asking things from people I don't know, if James is with me I will quite often let him do the talking instead, I HATE the awkward silence that often happens when I talk with people, especially when buying something in shops when they aren't chatty.

I have always lacked confidence, especially socially, I think this is one reason I don't really have too many close friends. Deep down I think I might actually be a bit of a loner, I do like my own space and company, but sometimes I am really jealous of other's friendships. I am a bit of a rubbish friend though, mainly due to my anxieties and lack of confidence, I've never been one to call up just for a chat, or instigated a meet up, been too 'pally'. I don't really have anyone I tell everything too either I think I am quite reserved, and tend to push people away.

I have other anxieties too, I don't like eating out, whether it be at someone else's house, a restaurant, or sometimes even a quick takeaway light bite, and obviously a lot of good places to meet involve going somewhere to eat, so I always feel the odd one out in a group. I also don't really like alcohol that much, which when with a lot of my peers is always seen as the VERY boring thing to do, and sometimes I must admit I have made excuses so I don't go out to eat.

 Maybe I am just a bit boring though, sometimes I wish I would just have more confidence. I think that is why I blog, I seem to be able to say much more, be more honest when I blog and when I talk to other's through it. Sometimes I wish I could just be a bit more interesting to other's, be more socially exciting, fun rather than the nervous self I am and have always been. I look at mine and James' parent's and all the close family friends they have, and I look at how many me and James have-we don't really have any that we see regularly and have round much-I hope that can change soon, for our children's sakes too.

I'm glad we have made some good Mum and Dad friends though the NCT course we did when pregnant with Alex, but being so young ourselves we are at least 10 years younger than them, they are all more financially stable than us, and there can be a few differences in taste etc because of the age gaps, so I don't think we will be really close family friends in the future even though they are probably some of our closest friends now, had we been 10 years older I think we could have been though.

Sorry this is a really moany post! I just felt I had to get it down.

Posh wedding etiquette! Can you do a runner for the meal?

Sorry to be moaning/grumpy/banging on about anxiety and pregnancy complaints, it's kinda all that's happening in my life right now...this probably isn't entirely different in some respects, sorry!

Tomorrow me and James have his cousins wedding to go to, hurrah a child free day and Mum and Dad are even having Alex over night for us too (first time he's stayed anywhere without us, we live so close to our immediate family so never needed to do it). So that will be nice, not lugging a changing bag and grumpy/hyper/shy/chatty/crying/screaming/bored toddler to contend with (we had a wedding in Feb which he did go to, and lets just say me and my partner didn't see much of the actual wedding, and there were too many moments in the speeches that we cringed and shhed at) so in that respect in should be much more relaxing!

We are however travelling from Swindon to Kent...on Jubilee weekend, as if it wasn't a long enough journey to have before a wedding, and there is no where to change apart from a service station so James and his family are all changing there, I think I am just going as I am and look like a right plonker waiting for them to be ready sat in a posh outfit at the services! Although I seem to be handling my sickness a bit better I have however had dizziness this week which makes me near to fainting and when that happens I just want to lie down, I am dreading the journey there, and then also dreading feeling ill once we are there! Tiredness has really hit me the last 2 weeks, and I just want to be sat in a comfy sit or lying down rather than upright!

I'm not common as muck, but I don't really do posh, and here is where the wedding is...

It's at Penshurst Place in Tunbridge Wells, I made the mistake of looking at the menus available for wedding, and it just screams posh, to anyone that knows me or have read previous posts you will know that I have an anxiety of eating out anywhere, the posher the setting, the higher the anxiety levels, higher anxiety=me feeling pants, especially when pregnant! I might just see the wedding, wait around to sit at the table grab a bread roll and do a runner until the speeches...do you think anyone will notice?! It will probably all have things on the plate I can't eat at the moment anyway! I quite fancy a walk around the gardens as well, bit of fresh air in my lungs!

But yeah the wedding I think has cost a rather large amount of money (both Father's earn a nice healthy wage in their careers)! So I think I will feel under-dressed, I am being a rebel and not wearing a hat, chickened out of a facinator because I can't help but think it looks like a chicken has landed on your head, or a florist has gone over the top on a head band! I opted for 2 cheap flower clips because I'm a cheap skate and got some earnings as well as they were buy one get one free in new look. James' Mum has bought and taken back about 6 dresses as she is panicking over it, James' Nan gets very nervous etc and also doesn't enjoy eating out too much either, so I think we are all going to be nervous wrecks. 

That said I'm sure it will be a lovely day when we get there, I can only hope the sun comes out for the bride and groom, and that we don't get caught in traffic either way, oh and that I don't feel the need to throw up or faint at the worst possible times! Wish me (us) luck!

Anxiety-it's not just my life it's wrecking right now

I'm struggling, not going to lie I just feel like I am failing at the moment. I feel like such a rubbish Mum at the moment, I have barely been out with Alex the last few weeks unless it's been in the company of James, I can't even look at raw food, let alone cook it at the moment, so have been feeding him quickie crappy meals which I hate seeing him eat on a day to day basis, every day I sit sit on the sofa the majority of the day looking at what should be done, what I could be doing and watching my gorgeous little boy growing up and seeing his imagination come to life...but when he asks me to 'come on mummy' I have no get up and go, there's just no energy in me. It kills me, I miss playing with him, going on walks down the road etc. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling sick day in day out and not giving my child the best of what he needs. And that's just the physical child I have in front of me, I also feel I am a failing Mum to our unborn child, I've lost nearly a stone in weight, I can eat barely anything, and if I can it takes me hours to eat the tiniest bit, even though I want to devour the whole thing, what on earth is my baby getting, certainly not anything very nutritious. I can't even swallow the tiny tablet of folic acid I am supposed to take every day because it makes me gag and then because of that I'm physically ill (sorry TMI)!

And then I hate being a crap failing partner, James has been so good to me recently, really understanding and helping where he can (he doesn't put his dirty washing away or rubbish in the bin but we'll get there ;) he works so hard at the moment, he's in the building trade so has a very physical job, and then goes out some week nights working in the restaurant, he must be shattered and yet he has to come home a pick up some of the pieces every day, and I think it's starting to grate on him. He shouldn't have to do it all.

And to top it all of my anxiety is back, and it feels like it's back bigger than ever before, I got it last time I was pregnant, shut myself off from the world apart form work and at the start the end of a college course, I saw friends as little as I could get away with. This time that is much harder to do though, with an active two year old, going to a toddler group once a week and then meeting and sometimes hosting a group of NCT friends I can't avoid it all even though I want to. I am already making excuses up all the time, I am scared to go out without James there with me and I don't really know why and I wish I knew. I am also scared because after having Alex my anxiety really got bad when I wasn't in control of where I was going, I HAD to walk to places to calm myself down before going, and if my friends where coming to mine I would get myself in such a panicked state and wouldn't feel 'right' until they had left or had been there a length of time, and I just know/think I am going to get that back this time around, it hadn't completely left me but I could cope better with certain people and I don't want it to get worse again. It's like I just can only focus on how I am feeling right now and anything else is too much/takes too much from me.

3 of my NCT friends had/are pregnant with their second children and all seem to be coping well, they still host the meet ups, they still make the meet ups and get on with all their other daily tasks pretty much perfectly fine, so why can't I be like that and like millions of other women out there, why am I like this and what on earth can I do to make my brain stop working over time and worrying for the sake of worrying?

I am so sorry for the depressive, ranting post. I just had to tell someone and get it all out, because I just feel I am ruining my families lives right now...

Anxiety

source

So I have always been a nervous character, I always remember when I had won some art competition when I was 5 but was too shy to have my photo taken for the paper (so I was missing from the group shot of winners)! Apparently I never used to eat my lunch with the rest of the school when I first started school, something my Mum wasn't happy with and insisted I eat with everyone else! I do however remember getting really nervous when the 'big' kids sitting started and I would be the only one left on the table, and have a group of year 6's teasing me as they would, but I wasn't allowed to go to play as I hadn't eaten all my lunch yet. I used to get home and eat it all...Who knows if this has anything to do with my anxiety of eating out/at other's houses.

I feel my anxiety has worsened since being pregnant with Alex-before that I would still get nervous about seeing friends or going somewhere new, and getting lifts off people (I don't drive) but I'm pretty sure it was never quite as bad as it is now. I think this is connected to me always feeling ill during pregnancy, I was ill in public a few times and also once in James' parents car (probably my most embarrassing moment that still haunts me when I think of it) so this has really made me paranoid of getting lifts off people because I 'think' that it will happen again so I want to avoid that situation.

It effects my social life greatly though as I try to avoid situations so much, I have probably distanced myself from a lot of friendships because I have cancelled so late in the day etc because I have let my nerves get the better of me. Before going out I am fidgety, need the loo constantly, thinking of all the worst things that could happen and because I am nervous I feel sick-even though I know I am not. Just yesterday I met up with some an old school friend and a best friend at midday, I had to get off the bus early because I was so nervous and felt hot (which also adds to me feeling ill so never helps situations) so I  had a nice walk to clear my head and let myself calm down before meeting them-this always seems to help.

I haven't eaten proper meal in a restaurant for years- I have always (for as long as I remember) been rubbish as eating out which really frustrated my Dad and now frustrates James. I don't know why I get nervous about eating out but I do, again I get really worked up before we go, so already feel ill, the last thing I want to do is eat, and usually eating places are quite hot which makes me feel worse. The 'posher' they get the more nervous I feel, I am quite happy to eat a baguette or cake...as long as they is a napkin I can take it home in once I am done! This eating out anxiety got much worse when I was physically ill after eating out on a number of occasions, but this could have more likely been linked to alcohol, pregnancy etc. BUT as soon as I am taken out of the situation and sometimes have taken a meal home in a doggy bag I eat it straight away like a ravenous dog! I feel this anxiety effects us a couple even though James is very understanding of how I feel, but it's occasions such a birthday's, weddings etc that make it hard as I am always there either not eating anything or picking at whatever I do have, or me not ending up going at all.

Usually once I get to places or meet my friends etc I am fine within 5 minutes, and I know this before I go and get all nervous- but for some reason I can never stop it happening. The eating out thing I don't feel fine until I am back in the comfort of my own home or the car.

This is one thing that if I could change something about myself I 100% would because I don't want it to affect me or my family any more. I mean I am even dreading my wedding because I am paranoid I will be ill down the isle or something silly along those lines! But I haven't even gone to the doctors about it, why? Well because I feel silly saying to them about all this, quite frankly I don't think any of the doctors I have ever seen just generally would give me the time of day on a subject like this...may be one day I will pluck up the courage to go, ironically I would get nervous about making the appointment on the phone and subsequently the appointment itself though!