Saturday, 19 May 2012

Anxiety-it's not just my life it's wrecking right now

I'm struggling, not going to lie I just feel like I am failing at the moment. I feel like such a rubbish Mum at the moment, I have barely been out with Alex the last few weeks unless it's been in the company of James, I can't even look at raw food, let alone cook it at the moment, so have been feeding him quickie crappy meals which I hate seeing him eat on a day to day basis, every day I sit sit on the sofa the majority of the day looking at what should be done, what I could be doing and watching my gorgeous little boy growing up and seeing his imagination come to life...but when he asks me to 'come on mummy' I have no get up and go, there's just no energy in me. It kills me, I miss playing with him, going on walks down the road etc. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling sick day in day out and not giving my child the best of what he needs. And that's just the physical child I have in front of me, I also feel I am a failing Mum to our unborn child, I've lost nearly a stone in weight, I can eat barely anything, and if I can it takes me hours to eat the tiniest bit, even though I want to devour the whole thing, what on earth is my baby getting, certainly not anything very nutritious. I can't even swallow the tiny tablet of folic acid I am supposed to take every day because it makes me gag and then because of that I'm physically ill (sorry TMI)!

And then I hate being a crap failing partner, James has been so good to me recently, really understanding and helping where he can (he doesn't put his dirty washing away or rubbish in the bin but we'll get there ;) he works so hard at the moment, he's in the building trade so has a very physical job, and then goes out some week nights working in the restaurant, he must be shattered and yet he has to come home a pick up some of the pieces every day, and I think it's starting to grate on him. He shouldn't have to do it all.

And to top it all of my anxiety is back, and it feels like it's back bigger than ever before, I got it last time I was pregnant, shut myself off from the world apart form work and at the start the end of a college course, I saw friends as little as I could get away with. This time that is much harder to do though, with an active two year old, going to a toddler group once a week and then meeting and sometimes hosting a group of NCT friends I can't avoid it all even though I want to. I am already making excuses up all the time, I am scared to go out without James there with me and I don't really know why and I wish I knew. I am also scared because after having Alex my anxiety really got bad when I wasn't in control of where I was going, I HAD to walk to places to calm myself down before going, and if my friends where coming to mine I would get myself in such a panicked state and wouldn't feel 'right' until they had left or had been there a length of time, and I just know/think I am going to get that back this time around, it hadn't completely left me but I could cope better with certain people and I don't want it to get worse again. It's like I just can only focus on how I am feeling right now and anything else is too much/takes too much from me.

3 of my NCT friends had/are pregnant with their second children and all seem to be coping well, they still host the meet ups, they still make the meet ups and get on with all their other daily tasks pretty much perfectly fine, so why can't I be like that and like millions of other women out there, why am I like this and what on earth can I do to make my brain stop working over time and worrying for the sake of worrying?

I am so sorry for the depressive, ranting post. I just had to tell someone and get it all out, because I just feel I am ruining my families lives right now...

6 comments:

  1. This stage will pass. I was so ill with my 2nd that my first watched constant Cbeebies and ate cheese sandwiches for lunch and dinner every day. But it got better and I was able to play with her again, clean the house, cook nice food and even me nice to my husband. The good news is that all my friends have said it is much harder being pregnant and looking after a child than it is to look after 2 children. So give in to feeling crap, don't worry, you will get better and its only a tiny amount of time out of Alex's life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, cbeebies and cheese sandwiches have been very popular the last few weeks too! I think I just can't see past this stage at the moment. I am glad to hear that this is harder than managing two!
      Thanks again for your lovely comment x

      Delete
  2. Hey, just popping over to your blog after you left a comment on mine, and realised you are pregnant too! Congratulations. Sorry to read that you're feeling so rough. I felt pretty rubbish too (although it sounds like you have got it bad) but this past week - 13- it's got so much better. Hang on in there. I know how you feel about the whole looking after the little one and feeling bad if they watch too much TV/ eat rubbish food, but to be honest, when you feel so rough yourself, it's all you can do to get to the end of the day. (Or at least that's how I felt.) Don't feel bad. Once you feel better you can course correct ! In the meantime - thank goodness for kids TV!

    Am going to follow you so I can keep up with your progress x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, I am a couple of weeks behind by the sounds of it. I seem to be getting there so finger crossed! Goodness knows what I would have dine without cbeebies! Thanks, I was already following you anyway :) Seems that you will be having a hectic Dec/Christmas this year too! x

      Delete
  3. sorry to hear that you havent been coping too well dan! :( but i am sure you are not failing in any way, its a massive deal having a little one and also being so poorly while in the early stages, i really hope this is what u were refering to today when you said you are feeling a bit better!! <3 much love, hope you are back to being bubbly again soon. and try not to judge yourself by other people, even though thats always difficult to say but not necesarily put into practise.. xxxxxxx!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bethan, just finding it hard. Although apart from dizziness I have been feeling slightly better this last week or so, so that's one thing! xxxx

      Delete

Thanks for taking the time to comment :)

Gadget

This content isn't available over encrypted connections yet.