So I have always been a nervous character, I always remember when I had won some art competition when I was 5 but was too shy to have my photo taken for the paper (so I was missing from the group shot of winners)! Apparently I never used to eat my lunch with the rest of the school when I first started school, something my Mum wasn't happy with and insisted I eat with everyone else! I do however remember getting really nervous when the 'big' kids sitting started and I would be the only one left on the table, and have a group of year 6's teasing me as they would, but I wasn't allowed to go to play as I hadn't eaten all my lunch yet. I used to get home and eat it all...Who knows if this has anything to do with my anxiety of eating out/at other's houses.
I feel my anxiety has worsened since being pregnant with Alex-before that I would still get nervous about seeing friends or going somewhere new, and getting lifts off people (I don't drive) but I'm pretty sure it was never quite as bad as it is now. I think this is connected to me always feeling ill during pregnancy, I was ill in public a few times and also once in James' parents car (probably my most embarrassing moment that still haunts me when I think of it) so this has really made me paranoid of getting lifts off people because I 'think' that it will happen again so I want to avoid that situation.
It effects my social life greatly though as I try to avoid situations so much, I have probably distanced myself from a lot of friendships because I have cancelled so late in the day etc because I have let my nerves get the better of me. Before going out I am fidgety, need the loo constantly, thinking of all the worst things that could happen and because I am nervous I feel sick-even though I know I am not. Just yesterday I met up with some an old school friend and a best friend at midday, I had to get off the bus early because I was so nervous and felt hot (which also adds to me feeling ill so never helps situations) so I had a nice walk to clear my head and let myself calm down before meeting them-this always seems to help.
I haven't eaten proper meal in a restaurant for years- I have always (for as long as I remember) been rubbish as eating out which really frustrated my Dad and now frustrates James. I don't know why I get nervous about eating out but I do, again I get really worked up before we go, so already feel ill, the last thing I want to do is eat, and usually eating places are quite hot which makes me feel worse. The 'posher' they get the more nervous I feel, I am quite happy to eat a baguette or cake...as long as they is a napkin I can take it home in once I am done! This eating out anxiety got much worse when I was physically ill after eating out on a number of occasions, but this could have more likely been linked to alcohol, pregnancy etc. BUT as soon as I am taken out of the situation and sometimes have taken a meal home in a doggy bag I eat it straight away like a ravenous dog! I feel this anxiety effects us a couple even though James is very understanding of how I feel, but it's occasions such a birthday's, weddings etc that make it hard as I am always there either not eating anything or picking at whatever I do have, or me not ending up going at all.
Usually once I get to places or meet my friends etc I am fine within 5 minutes, and I know this before I go and get all nervous- but for some reason I can never stop it happening. The eating out thing I don't feel fine until I am back in the comfort of my own home or the car.
This is one thing that if I could change something about myself I 100% would because I don't want it to affect me or my family any more. I mean I am even dreading my wedding because I am paranoid I will be ill down the isle or something silly along those lines! But I haven't even gone to the doctors about it, why? Well because I feel silly saying to them about all this, quite frankly I don't think any of the doctors I have ever seen just generally would give me the time of day on a subject like this...may be one day I will pluck up the courage to go, ironically I would get nervous about making the appointment on the phone and subsequently the appointment itself though!
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
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