Socially awkward is probably a good way to say how I am.
Sweaty palms, pulse racing, sentences and words bouncing around in my head of what to say, tiny squeaky voice... this is how I am when I am nervous, but it's not really something I should be getting nervous about.
I am pretty rubbish at holding conversations with people I don't know very well, I am rubbish at face to face confrontation. I dread having to ring people, I'm hesitant when asking things from people I don't know, if James is with me I will quite often let him do the talking instead, I HATE the awkward silence that often happens when I talk with people, especially when buying something in shops when they aren't chatty.
I have always lacked confidence, especially socially, I think this is one reason I don't really have too many close friends. Deep down I think I might actually be a bit of a loner, I do like my own space and company, but sometimes I am really jealous of other's friendships. I am a bit of a rubbish friend though, mainly due to my anxieties and lack of confidence, I've never been one to call up just for a chat, or instigated a meet up, been too 'pally'. I don't really have anyone I tell everything too either I think I am quite reserved, and tend to push people away.
I have other anxieties too, I don't like eating out, whether it be at someone else's house, a restaurant, or sometimes even a quick takeaway light bite, and obviously a lot of good places to meet involve going somewhere to eat, so I always feel the odd one out in a group. I also don't really like alcohol that much, which when with a lot of my peers is always seen as the VERY boring thing to do, and sometimes I must admit I have made excuses so I don't go out to eat.
Maybe I am just a bit boring though, sometimes I wish I would just have more confidence. I think that is why I blog, I seem to be able to say much more, be more honest when I blog and when I talk to other's through it. Sometimes I wish I could just be a bit more interesting to other's, be more socially exciting, fun rather than the nervous self I am and have always been. I look at mine and James' parent's and all the close family friends they have, and I look at how many me and James have-we don't really have any that we see regularly and have round much-I hope that can change soon, for our children's sakes too.
I'm glad we have made some good Mum and Dad friends though the NCT course we did when pregnant with Alex, but being so young ourselves we are at least 10 years younger than them, they are all more financially stable than us, and there can be a few differences in taste etc because of the age gaps, so I don't think we will be really close family friends in the future even though they are probably some of our closest friends now, had we been 10 years older I think we could have been though.
Sorry this is a really moany post! I just felt I had to get it down.