Friday, 7 August 2015

A year on, the same feelings again

So here I am, a year on (minus two days) with the exact same feelings as this time last year.

The shaking. 

The raise and fall of my temperature.

The loss of appetite at every meal. Or the feeling of being ill soon after eating. 

The constant niggle of bad thoughts, and what ifs. 

The on and off dull achy pain in the pit of my stomach, churning and turning all the while. 

You must be reading this thinking and wondering what bad event or date must be coming up, but in actual fact it is very much the opposite of that. 

Tomorrow is a joyful and one of the most happy of occasions: my best friends wedding, on the same Saturday of the year that we got married last year, where she stood by me as one of my bridesmaids. 

So why do I feel these feelings now, and this past week?

Social anxiety, that's why. Ripping the fun out of a perfect day again. 

It's like my brain mixes up the feeling of excitement and turns it into a great big wrecking ball of nerves, crashing me down whenever I think I have picked myself back up again. 

It comes crashing down in waves, sometimes I can handle it, and other times I just can't cope, I want to run, to hide and to just think of any excuse not to go. 

But certain occasions you just can't do that, more so when you are a bridesmaid!!

I hope the big surge of nerves now is the worst of it, I hope that tomorrow, when I go to my friend of 21 years mother's house for hair and dressing up for the big day that I can't at least create some sort of barrier for the wrecking ball.  Hiding it from everyone there and not freaking out, I just need to get to the venue and then I will be ok, because nobody knows about all my pathetic fears and triggers apart from my husband, the bridal party don't need to know all this all on the morning of her wedding day. 

Rescue remedy will be dropped upon my tongue a lot tomorrow in a bid to at least calm me.  

This is all bringing back memories of how nervous I was before and on our wedding day last year-and I got through that-just wish my brain would catch up and make me feel like I will get through tomorrow no problems too! 

So here's to social anxiety, ripping the fun and excitement of yet another fun and amazing occasion-here's hoping for the next one you will politely p*** off! (excuse me)!

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