Disconnected

Here I am sat on the sofa yet again.

I've spent weeks here half asleep and sometimes in pain.

The nausea taking over in waves, sometimes so strong that I just burst into tears.

I've lost count of the times I have said "I can't take this anymore".

Of course I am happy and excited about the future, but when the sickness takes hold it is hard to look beyond the moment itself, let alone the day, weeks and months ahead.

I feel quite alone at the moment, apart from school runs every day, Alex's swimming lesson, the kids odd party, and a couple of evenings with our parents I haven't left the house.

I'm literally in our lounge most of the day, watching trashy day time TV, I don't have an ounce of energy to do anything!

I feel guilty that I just can't be a good parent to the boys, and a good wife to James.

James has been doing so much, he leaves the house very early in the morning and gets back around 6pm most days.

When he gets home he sorts dinner for the boys and him, the evenings I just can't face the kitchen, the thought of food and definitely the smells.

He's been doing a lot of the bedtimes, some nights the kids have had to come down to say goodnight to me here, on the sofa as I just don't have the energy to move.

Evenings seem to be the worst time for me, from collecting the boys from school to when I go to bed I just feel nauseous and food cannot pass my lips, I'm lucky if I have a glass of water to drink too.

Because of all this, I just feel a bit useless. I am 9 weeks pregnant. Only 31 weeks to go...

The positives, I had my 1st midwife appointment last week and the midwife is lovely, now I am patiently awaiting the scan date, ok not patiently at all, each day the post comes I get all excited but it hasn't appeared yet.

After the heart ache earlier in the year I am very much hoping all goes well this pregnancy!

I was going to wait until the scan to post here, but I just felt I had to get it out somewhere, our close family and a couple of friends we see most days on school runs know but I desperately want to tell everyone, I am sure many of the school mums have guessed as I have looked awful for weeks!!