I didn't know whether to post this, but it has helped me this morning, and it may help other's please don't continue to read on if it will upset you.
This morning the weather was foggy just like my head.
My breasts no longer swollen and sore, just cramps and pain where my baby should be.
It is still so raw, so new, I'm not quite sure what to do.
It is so hard to grieve for something you only saw at first as two lines, and then in a horrible bloody mass. Last night when it eventually happened (I say eventually as I knew it was inevitable and wanted the waiting to end) I paused, I freaked out, how could I just flush what would eventually been our baby away? It made it so, final.
It sounds silly, you know it is common, but you always think 'it will never happen to me', we have been lucky- all our pregnancies we have got pregnant first time, I was lucky in both the boy's pregnancies that I didn't have complications apart from bad sickness and one small scare with Sam, their births have been, dare I say it easy in the sense it was pretty much 'textbook'. So when I fell pregnant this time, of course we thought the same would happen. Naive? Maybe.
As much as you try not to get too excited, or plan ahead too much, you can't help but do it, think of what the future may be, what it holds for them, how it will change your family.
I stupidly thought things felt different this pregnancy and my only thought was perhaps it's a girl, perhaps she won't make me so sick like the boys did. I didn't once think that it could have been because things weren't as they should be, I had all the signs, swollen sore boobs, tiredness that is only felt when pregnant (although not as much as when with the boy's looking back now), and eating everything, I could have had shares in Malteasers the past few weeks.
I felt ill Tuesday morning but it wasn't pregnancy related, I could tell. Then when wiping (TMI sorry) I saw a streak of blood in discharge, barely anything but like any pregnant mother I worried, I googled, and read anything I could, I thought it was probably spotting, although had never had it with the boy's so that was stuck at the back of my head. But gradually throughout Wednesday the blood was more, still barely anything but changing to red colour, the warning colour for bleeding in pregnancy. Wednesday evening James went out to a comedy gig with my brother's and Dad as it was their Christmas present, I put the boys to bed and went for my shower, and then I knew. Alone in the bathroom, I knew the end was starting, a red streak in my knickers.
When James came home he knew something was wrong, we embraced in the longest, tightest cuddle we have had whilst I burst into tears, at that point I was still hoping I was just 'spotting', I would be in that small group of people that bleed but still go on to have healthy babies, but I think deep down I knew, I knew.
I thought if I was miscarrying that it would have happened quicker, over night I would have woken with pains and cramps, but I didn't, I slept great, felt great when my eyes opened. So it was a kick to the stomach to find darker blood, clots, and lots more of it than the night before in the bathroom that morning. I walked the school run in a daze, popped to Asda with Sam for essentials, trying to avoid my eyes from the newborn nappy packets on the end of the isles, the newborns in the trolleys and the pregnant bumps, we got home and I spent a lazy day on the sofa, with Sam giving me cuddles and behaving so well, he has no idea how much that helped.
The cramps started around lunch time, not really painful, but there, I still wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks like it does sometimes when googling your symptoms. But come 4-5 o'clock it there was no hiding from it any more. I somehow ate dinner, whilst having bad pains, whilst the boys looked on saying "Mummy isn't well". We finished off watching a film in our bed with the boys that night, us four snuggled, I grabbed James' hand and flinched, this was it, I waited for the boys to do their teeth before I went to the bathroom where the worst of it happened.
I thought that would be it, I thought miscarriage was quick, I thought it would be one big loss of blood and pain and it would be over like it is on the telly. I didn't think it would be days of it, days of constant reminders of what could have been.
Of course that's just the physical pain, I think it will take a while for us to get over this loss, our baby may only have been 6 weeks, but we will mourn the loss of another child, another sibling for our son's, grandchild for our parents, a niece or nephew for our siblings. But of course in time we will.
We will move on, hug our boys that bit tighter and closer and carry on.
Life, you never know what it is going to throw at you, but you have to come through the other side stronger.