One first moment I'm not so proud of

You know when you become a parent it's not going to be an easy ride, there will be good time but equally there will be bad times.

There will also be time when as a parent you feel immensely guilty about something that is either your fault or choice.

Walking home from preschool on Wednesday Alex piped up "what are we doing tomorrow, I'm not at preschool?"

Bugger, I knew I'd been rumbled and he'd caught wind of what his friends were up to Thursday: preschool trip day.

The trip day I couldn't take my son on.

Right there and then he burst into tears, and for the first time in his life shouted to me "I hate you, I actually hate you!"

Not going to lie there were tears under my sunglasses too.

You see it was my fault he couldn't go on the trip, I don't drive due to not having the confidence or the money, I don't like going in other people's cars because of anxiety, and I was due to have my wedding dress fitting the same day (which in the end got cancelled). Also because of the wedding we have little cash, and as we only had a months notice James couldn't take the time off either.

My tears weren't just because of that though, the words themselves pierced me, not because of the trip, but because I know I have been a lousy Mum of late.

For some reason I just don't have the energy or enthusiasm, every spare moment I am either making or researching wedding things. Far too many times I have heard Alex ask me to play with him.

He shouldn't have to ask.

I just can't manage my time so much these days, Sam is demanding, he's a climber, likes to tip EVERYTHING out, likes to get his own way and is testing the boundaries (I'm talking terrible two paddy's at 18 months), so I often feel like my time is taken up looking after/stopping him injuring himself and not paying as much attention to Alex.

So those 3 words "I hate you" may have upset me, but I think that is what I needed, to shake me and wake me up. I need to make quality time for both my boys and stop making excuses. They are only little once.  

And of course within minute of those 3 words, we were hugging and saying we loved each other.

The following day he made me so proud making his thank you card for his teachers at preschool, he really enjoyed himself and I enjoyed helping him too-I just need to relax a little with crafting and kids!

Apart from me cutting the shapes Alex did all of this, he enjoyed using Mummy's water colour pencils for the first time. And giggled away using his Crayola crazy pen to do the grass and purple squiggles. The dinosaur feet were his idea before even making of thinking of doing a dinosaur :)

  

So I guess that's parenting in a nutshell, there will always be highs and lows.