I'm struggling, not going to lie I just feel like I am failing at the moment. I feel like such a rubbish Mum at the moment, I have barely been out with Alex the last few weeks unless it's been in the company of James, I can't even look at raw food, let alone cook it at the moment, so have been feeding him quickie crappy meals which I hate seeing him eat on a day to day basis, every day I sit sit on the sofa the majority of the day looking at what should be done, what I could be doing and watching my gorgeous little boy growing up and seeing his imagination come to life...but when he asks me to 'come on mummy' I have no get up and go, there's just no energy in me. It kills me, I miss playing with him, going on walks down the road etc. I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling sick day in day out and not giving my child the best of what he needs. And that's just the physical child I have in front of me, I also feel I am a failing Mum to our unborn child, I've lost nearly a stone in weight, I can eat barely anything, and if I can it takes me hours to eat the tiniest bit, even though I want to devour the whole thing, what on earth is my baby getting, certainly not anything very nutritious. I can't even swallow the tiny tablet of folic acid I am supposed to take every day because it makes me gag and then because of that I'm physically ill (sorry TMI)!
And then I hate being a crap failing partner, James has been so good to me recently, really understanding and helping where he can (he doesn't put his dirty washing away or rubbish in the bin but we'll get there ;) he works so hard at the moment, he's in the building trade so has a very physical job, and then goes out some week nights working in the restaurant, he must be shattered and yet he has to come home a pick up some of the pieces every day, and I think it's starting to grate on him. He shouldn't have to do it all.
And to top it all of my anxiety is back, and it feels like it's back bigger than ever before, I got it last time I was pregnant, shut myself off from the world apart form work and at the start the end of a college course, I saw friends as little as I could get away with. This time that is much harder to do though, with an active two year old, going to a toddler group once a week and then meeting and sometimes hosting a group of NCT friends I can't avoid it all even though I want to. I am already making excuses up all the time, I am scared to go out without James there with me and I don't really know why and I wish I knew. I am also scared because after having Alex my anxiety really got bad when I wasn't in control of where I was going, I HAD to walk to places to calm myself down before going, and if my friends where coming to mine I would get myself in such a panicked state and wouldn't feel 'right' until they had left or had been there a length of time, and I just know/think I am going to get that back this time around, it hadn't completely left me but I could cope better with certain people and I don't want it to get worse again. It's like I just can only focus on how I am feeling right now and anything else is too much/takes too much from me.
3 of my NCT friends had/are pregnant with their second children and all seem to be coping well, they still host the meet ups, they still make the meet ups and get on with all their other daily tasks pretty much perfectly fine, so why can't I be like that and like millions of other women out there, why am I like this and what on earth can I do to make my brain stop working over time and worrying for the sake of worrying?
I am so sorry for the depressive, ranting post. I just had to tell someone and get it all out, because I just feel I am ruining my families lives right now...